Here are your Halloween horrorscopes from Em & Lo -- they're so accurate, it's scary:
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Consider yourself warned: There are some people who will assume
that just because you're dressed as a cheap crack w---- this
Halloween, you want to be treated as such. So be prepared to point
out the line between fantasy and reality. And practice saying the
word no... and meaning it.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If your partner has been sneaking around a lot lately, don't
assume they're having an affair. Maybe they're planning a
surprise Halloween costume ball, a la Eyes Wide Shut. And
if that's the case, don't be surprised when the only people
who show up are wrinkly old men draped in cloaks.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Being a party pooper about dressing up this week probably means
you're a party pooper in the bedroom, unwilling to be creative
and wacky, use props, or try roleplaying. So get thee to a
Ricky's, stat!
More...
Plan your Halloween costume carefully this year, you might just
meet someone special. Your dazzling conversation skills combined
with your oh-so-witty costume are sure to win them over. By the
way, borrowing your friends' newborn so you can attend a
Halloween party as a "new Dad," thereby attracting more
female attention, sounds like a better idea than it actually
is.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Question whether or not you'd want a relationship with someone
in a suit dressed as someone in a suit for Halloween (like, say, a
lawyer dressed as a banker). And if that suit-wearing someone pays
an inordinate amount of attention to you, then don't just
question the relationship--run away from it like you've just
rung their doorbell and left a flaming bag of poo on their doorstep
for Goosey Night.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You're ready to turn this relationship up to eleven. Prove your
commitment by dressing in drag for Halloween to be the male Cher to
their female Sonny (or vice versa). Unless of course you're an
actual drag queen or king, in which case Halloween should be a
casual day.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You'll meet a lot of people at any Halloween parties you
attend. You should make the first move if you're attracted to
someone. But remember, if you have sex for the first time with
someone while in costume, the outfits you are wearing may
permanently determine your future relationship. Consider this
before you hook up with "Michael Jackson" while dressed
as Curious George.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don't think of Halloween as just another holiday; consider it
an opportunity to try out a new fetish. Plan a team costume with
your partner and role-play later--Catholic school teacher/naughty
student; cop/robber; fireman/kitten up a tree; etc. Dress as a
character who will inspire you to be a little dirtier--it's not
you who likes men in diapers, that's your costume talking! And
remember: Mischief Night (a.k.a. Goosey Night) is as good a time as
any to try sploshing.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
What you want and what you get may be two different things. Try to
be honest about who you are and what you are looking for. If you
aren't interested in someone, don't lead him or her on. In
other words, if you're not really a firefighter or a Good
Person, don't dress like one on Halloween.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Getting laid this week is gonna be as easy as trick-or-treating:
Knock once, hold out your goodie bag, and watch the booty come to
you. But remember, if you're going to take candy from
strangers, make sure it's wrapped.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
That hot-hot-hot-hottie at the Halloween party may not be showing
their true colors. Remember, the sluttier their costume, the more
likely they are to be a total vanilla prude the rest of the
year.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
What's the hurry? Take your time and get to know a potential
partner a little before considering becoming intimate. In the
meantime, bob for apples without using your teeth to practice for
the oral sex to come later.
