Your Call: He Fantasizes About Other Women; Does That Mean He'll Cheat On Me?

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  Posted by AlonaG Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:28pm PDT

  I think the only abnormal thing in there is that he told you. I don't know if my boyfriend fantasizes about other women; it's normal to masturbate when you're in a relationship, especially if it's long-distance most of the time, as in my case. I don't particularly want to know what he fantasizes about. If it's just in his head, he can't necessarily help it, and I don't think it would definitely, or even likely, lead to his cheating. But there's something wrong with a guy who specifically tells you that he fantasizes about other women all the time, without any consideration of your feelings.

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  Posted by Anna Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:33pm PDT

  Have you ever made it clear to him that hearing about his fantasies and desires (which are very natural, by the way) makes you feel "inadequate?" He might just be sharing them because he feels safe and secure with you.

  Alternatively, if you are reasonably confident that he knows that you prefer not to know about his fantasies, then it's a red flag. It may not necessarily be about cheating but more about his sensitivity and respect (or lack thereof) for you.

  Talk to him, it's really the best thing to do.

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  Posted by Robert Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:47pm PDT

  I don't fantasize about other women when I am having sex but I definatley don't think that just because some guys do it then it means that they will cheat on you. I fantasize about other women when I am having "personal time" and it doesn't mean that I want to cheat on my fianc'ee, it just means that it is what it is, a fantasy. If that were true then that means that you have to apply it to all fantasies which is unrealistic.

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  Posted by Minnie Tue Sep 22, 2009 6:01pm PDT

  Well, maybe he's not the "stereotypical male"!

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  Posted by WrongWay Tue Sep 22, 2009 8:15pm PDT

  Sorry, but for some of you it's ridiculous to believe that a man or a woman for that matter wont ever fantasize after committing to a partner. And why is that? well, it basically all boils down to the nature of the beast. Lets face it folks, "we are attracted to the opposite sex"...period, that's the way we're built, nothing we can do about that. So more likely than not, a simple fantasy is probably experienced by most of us at times and in most cases would not ever cause any harm in the relationship. I agree with our first poster though, that these fantasies should remain discreet and kept to ourselves. I am almost 50 years old, and by no means do I think I have the opposite sex figured out, more importantly, I can tell you I know it cant be done, but we can learn....and to come in and tell your spouse or SO that you've been fantasizing about other women or men is not cool and should not be done, it will cause a woman automatically to feel she is not what you want or doesn't please you sexually, so for her, she figures you may be shopping elsewhere and there are some that feel "if we think it"...then, we did it. And for us guys, if your truthful with yourself, then you know that we don't like it either as it make us feel the same way, we just don't normally let it out. Simple fantasies I wouldn't think would necessitate that he or she will eventually cheat, but for those of us that do fantasize occasionally, they most assuredly should be kept personal, and to ourselves for our sake and the sake of our SO's. If your SO is constantly bringing it up and talking about it, there may be another underlying problem there, I would suggest discussing it and letting them know flat out...you don't like it! and proceed with caution. And no, I'm not an authority on anything, just life experience.

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  Posted by Mommy Tue Sep 22, 2009 8:17pm PDT

  Its a fantasy, my fantasy guy looks nothing like my hubby, I don't forget I'm having sex with him because I'm imagine someone else. I do it because it heightens my arousal and makes the sex better for me. Does it mean my hubby doesn't turn me on, no it means this helps get me a bit more excited. Cheating has never crossed my mind. If you have been together this long and thought things were good why would make such a big deal out of a little thing. If your worried that he ISN"T into over this then you should quit having sex with anyone, noone only thinks sexual thoughts about their lover, if they did porn stars wouldn't have jobs.

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  Posted by pwsgirl Wed Sep 23, 2009 4:26am PDT

  I have to agree that it seems odd that he would actually tell you he's thinking about other women. The question is, who ARE the women? Are they people he actually knows or has seen at work, etc., or are they celebrities and people he would actually never have access to? If it is the latter, I wouldn't worry very much about it. However, if they are actual ladies he knows, then I would be asking him exactly what he sees in them that he doesn't see in you. I, too, would feel inadequate if I knew my husband's thoughts weren't of me during sex or even his "personal" time. You really need to sit down with him and let him know how you feel, and find out why he felt it necessary to share with you. Best of luck!

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  Posted by Nickey Wed Sep 23, 2009 4:47am PDT

  I agree with some of the other posters. The issue is not that he fantasizes about other women, because that's just natural. The problem is that he feels the need to tell you about it, particularly about fantasizing about other women when he is having sex with you. Pretty sure he wouldn't like it if you told him you were thinking about that cute guy in the office or the hot barista at Starbucks when you were having sex with him. That is just hurtful and shows that he doesn't have much regard for your feelings. I doubt that it means that he would have an affair, but do you want to spend your time with someone who has so little respect for you? That gets old really fast! But the longer you put up with it, the harder it is to get away from it.

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  Posted by KittyKat Wed Sep 23, 2009 5:06am PDT

  No just cuz a man fantazes about other women doesnt mean he will cheat. Guys fantasize cuz it helps them with masterbating. Guys are just weird like that.

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  Posted by Nose Wed Sep 23, 2009 5:18am PDT

  It's not only guys who fantasize about others, women do to. Dr. Ruth Westheimer, the renound and respected sex therapist said that whatever it takes to get you off and help you to get there is ok. Fantasy is not reality and the two never have to crossover. It's in your head. It's no different than imagining sticking an icepick into your bosses eyeball. You can think it but you can't do it in real life. It's only an arousal technique (sex fantasy not the icepick in eyeball thing). Stop worrying about it. Perhaps he shouldn't have told you but like one of the above stated that perhaps he feels he can trust you enough to tell/share that with you. If he treats you well and is loving in all other respects, he's a keeper. Guys are genetically wired to think about sex 99% of the time. It's just their nature and their hormones. Don't fret over it.

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