I have gone over and over in my mind why a single woman with a great job and a home of her own would want to get involved with a married man who is having an identity crisis and decided to cheat on his pregnant wife just days before their second baby was born and I just can't get my mind around the need for the drama. But since I am not one of those people who confronts just to be mean and vindictive I've decided to post and let other "other women" in on some of the truths from the married woman's stand point.
First of all marriage is tough and even if you fall in love with a married man you will only ever get one side of the story (his). And remember that that married man is trying to first and foremost get into your pants. If a relationship occurs after that you must know that most likely the man didn't intentionally plan for that to happen, his intentions most likely were just fun sex. If he wanted the complications of a relationship he would have stayed and worked on his marriage.
Second of all understand that in some cases it took a long time for a marriage to crumble and break so therefore very often it is not that easy to just call it quits and move on. Especially where there are kids involved. In my case, my husband traveled too much for a job, our relationship became distant and our communication skills sucked. These are all very "fixable" things so it's kind of tough to throw away 7 years and force our kids to live without one of their parents in their lives full time. Because of this our marriage is in a holding pattern until further notice. I am hurt over the infidelity and he's off trying to see if he missed out on something by settling down too early and having a family. But for that "other woman" please understand that this is not a messy, abusive, angry separation. This is a we need space and my husband "doesn't do alone" so he had to go to you so that you can pick up the pieces of the finer details in his life that I've been dealing with and have now decided to no longer handle for him. You know the bills, dry cleaning, etc. Also in our case, my husband doesn't currently live in the same state so he has been coming back for visitation. This is where I really want to share the truth. At the beginning when we weren't sure how we ended up in our situation my husband didn't want the kids to be hurt so he still slept in our bed. He said his affair knew about this, but really? I have a hard time believing she'd be okay with it. Then as time passed I forced him out and created the space I needed for myself to heal. During our separation he's asked me several times if he could come home and I have told him I wasn't ready yet but somehow I doubt that's the story "the other woman" is hearing. I mean if she had why would she want to be with a man who can't decide where he actually wants to be? (And you can try to convince yourself his confusion is over the kids but most of the time it's not true. The kid thing is usually the "safe" excuse the man uses to make himself look better because who could fault a man for loving his kids!) When I've asked him how his return would work with is new affair he's told me very plain and simply that he'd tell her he had to go back to our marriage to see if there was anything left. I can only imagine how'd that'd go over with her!
I sometimes wish I could be a fly on the wall to hear how he talks to her. To hear the web of lies he spins in order to not have to make a concrete decision. You see my husband "doesn't want to hurt anyone" (not at all realistic and not mature enough to realize that an affair hurts everyone). He thinks he just wants to ride it out and has no idea what his future holds (again he doesn't want to take blame for the pain he's caused). My husband needs help with past issues in order to grow up. He is hiding in his affair and holding on to our family because he can't stand "losing" anything. This is the drama of dating a married man with a family and I just want those "other women" out there to understand that life is complicated enough and relationships are hard work so why swim upstream with a man who can't make a commitment? Oh and by the way, the intimacy is not over in our marriage yet either and I'm sure that is not something he's been honest about either. I believe in Karma and what goes around comes around so for those of you who are sleeping with married men think it through and make sure you are ready for Karma to slap you upside the heads. And those of you considering sleeping with a married man I hope you think twice after reading this. And as for the "other woman" in my life I hope that one day you know the truth because then maybe you'd understand just a small amount of the pain that you've helped to bring upon my family.
Truths for the "other woman" from the spouse
- by , on Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:48am PDT
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:40am PDT
Report AbuseA few years ago I was with a man for almost two months, and the relationship was going forward and everything was rosy. Then I found out he was married, so that came to a quick halt. When I told him to take a hike, I also asked, " Does your wife know? " He answered,
" Probably."
I think about that from time to time. He was always with me when he wasn't working, so where the heck did she think he was? He was a pilot, but they don't live in their planes. And if she knew... why in the world was she staying with the louse? Why does a woman wait on a man who leaves their bed for another, one who lies to both women?
Why do you?
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:51am PDT
Report AbuseI totally agree with you. I am in the same situation. For the life of me I cant see why these women(for lack of a better name)would want this kind of relationship with a man. Most of the time it is because he thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. If he cheated on his wife, this is who he is. He will cheat on them too.
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:54am PDT
Report AbuseSPRINGTIME, Why are you commenting like its the wife's fault? The wife is trying to raise children and hold her family together. The husband is a lying bag of S*it.
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:57am PDT
Report AbuseI have never been "the other woman" but I have been in your shoes. In my cases though it was my boyfriend and he wasn't too bright when it came to lying to me or covering up. He told me he was working (oil field) and was really staying the night in the hotel with his 16 year old girlfriend (he is 26) and about two months after this, I go through his text messages to find about 20 text consisting of him pouting to her saying he HAS to see her... in 2 days he's going to jail (LIE!!) and won't get to see her beautiful face for a year. factual translation: my girlfriend is about to give birth and I don't know how much she'll let me get away with. At this point, I burst into laughter... as twisted as it seems, i actually felt better knowing that I wasn't the only one being lied to all the time; he's just that pathetic. I have decided that as ignorant as the "other women" are, it is still barely their fault. Some men are never happy unless they can reassure themselves of their alpha-male status and use (&lie to) as many woman as possible. The other women are wrong to think that someone who is still going home to their "family" every night and sneaking in time for them, will ever be worth being with, but I guess you can't teach some people.
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:06am PDT
Report AbuseThere is nothing worse than a home wrecker! That B---- dog needs to keep her business out of yours!!!!!!!
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:11am PDT
Report AbuseGary & Johnna: Can you say----Statutory rape! Its unlawful for a over 18 person to have sex with under 18 person unless consentual agreement. But nonetheless, this could come back in later years to haunt him!
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:12am PDT
Report AbuseExactly - the HUSBAND is a lying bag of sh*t.
I can only imagine how hard it must be when the man you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with leaves you for another woman. But that's his fault, not his mistress's. And it doesn't even necessarily make him a bad person. We all do stupid things from time to time, and we all hurt the people we love. Nobody's perfect, and nobody should have to live a life in which they're unhappy.
Let's be realistic: if it wasn't her, it would have been somebody else. If a man wants out, he'll get out.
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:16am PDT
Report AbuseThe man and woman are both to blame, in my opinion. I'm looking at this from a man's point of view. The man whose wife had a 3 month affair with another man (Our yard man), who was married with children as well. She doesn't work outside of the home, we have two beautiful little girls together, the oldest attends Mother's day out two days a week. On these days, she would drop off our 3 yr old at school, meet her "boyfriend" and take him back to our house with our 1 yr old daughter, spend 3 to 5 hours enjoying his company (most of the time in our bed), drop him off again and then pick up our 3 yr old from school. Again, this went on for 3 months and when I filed for divorce, after repeatedly asking her if she were seeing someone and if we could go to counseling to try to make things better an grow our marriage (both of which she denied), she was served in January and was "way beyond shocked" that I would do such a thing and she couldn't believe that I was not "willing to work it out without involving lawyers".
Today, we are still together. This was only seven months ago when she was served. I honestly still don't know that things are going to work long term. She claims that she wants to be together. Yes, I still lover her and always will. I want my children to have a mother and father that are together and care about each other.
So, it's not always the "other woman" or the "other man". It takes two to begin something. One that pursues and one that receives the pursuit.
Just thought I'd provide a different view of the same type situation.
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:25am PDT
Report AbuseI agree with rglo. I think that part if you is lying to yourself. This is mostly his fault but there are 2 people in a marriage to wreck it. At this point you are doing this to yourself by allowing him to continue to disrespect you in this manner. Get rid of his sorry ass.
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:33am PDT
Report AbuseI'm the other woman! His wife would go out and party with her "girls" and ended up cheating on him with 4 DIFFERENT guys, before I even came into the picture. I helped him with the paperwork to file for divorce.
We've been together over a year now and I'm not ashamed to be the one he left her for.
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