aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sometime in the future, we’ll all be outfitted with wireless
devices, encoded with everything from our dating preferences to how
we like our eggs. You’ll walk into a bar and an insistent vibration
in your pocket will tell you that there’s someone within ten feet
who’s cute, single and likes two olives and a twist in their
martini, just like you! (Either that or you forgot to take out your
battery-operated butt plug before leaving the house. Don’t you hate
it when that happens?) But until then, you’ll have to do a bit of
the work yourself. When you’re out and about this week, don’t be
afraid to subtly let someone know your amorous intentions.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s not easy being a superstar. Everyone wants to buy you dinner,
carry your bookbag, be seen with you in public, scrub your bathroom
floor. People will show up to parties just because a rumor spread
around town that you’d be there. Wait, where’s the hard part, is
that what you’re asking? Here it is: the more admirers you have,
the more likely you are to have unwanted admirers. You might be
tempted to lead them on a little, encourage their attentions, avoid
hurting their feelings. Perhaps you’re afraid people will say,
“Popularity changed him/her”? But sometimes you’ve just gotta say,
“Talk to the hand, ’cause the face ain’t listening.” Not everyone
is meant to date a superstar; they’ll thank you for it in the long
run.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Hey Mr./Ms. Obvious, would you like some tact with that Happy Meal?
Sure, no one likes playing games (at least, no one likes being
toyed with), and even if they do, the dating game is
happening on an even playing field these days. But that’s no excuse
for a neanderthal approach to dating (and mating). Subtlety, tact
and quiet charm never go out of style.
cancer (June 22nd-July
22nd)
Once in a while, it’s a useful exercise to examine your
relationship as if it were a workplace conundrum: What are my goals
here, and how best to accomplish them? Do I have the resources I
need, and if not, how can I get them? Do I need to do a background
check? Am I getting compensated well enough to bother attacking
this problem? Don’t I deserve a more comfortable office chair? And
remember that sometimes it’s okay to say, in the immortal words of
some old country singer, “Take this job and shove it, I ain’t
working here no more.”
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Extreme once wrote a song about wanting “more than
words”–”Show me how you feel,” they sang. Then again,
heavy metal rockers aren’t known for their appreciation of
language, wide vocabulary or ability to express themselves
verbally. You, on the other hand, are in possession of a fine
verbal wit and dexterity. Keep the words coming and you’ll be hard
to resist.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If you always fall in love when you least expect it, then stop
expecting it and maybe it will finally happen. Which
nineteenth-century British philosopher was it who said, “Expect
nothing and you’ll be infinitely happy”?
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Every relationship, no matter how fairy tale, can be nit-picked on
practicalities. Cinderella? Clash of socioeconomic backgrounds, of
course. Sleeping Beauty? Hello, what’s up with a man who kisses a
dead chick? John and Elizabeth Edwards–wait, scratch that. Princess
Diana and–never mind. Well, you get the picture. Stop trying to
foresee how your relationship might fail and enjoy the fairy tale
while it lasts.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s as if you’ve got the same publicist as Robert Pattinson this
week. Position yourself in a highly trafficked area, smile like a
horse and enjoy all the attention. Try not to punch anyone with a
camera–they’re probably just tourists.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Remember Jessica Simpson’s acting career? Yeah, we’re trying to
forget it, too, but the nightmares are recurring. If only she’d
stuck to what she’s good at: crooning country tunes in cut-off
denim shorts. (Okay, maybe just the cut-off denim shorts part,
then.) The same goes for you this week–if you’re trying to seduce
someone, don’t strain a brain cell figuring out some new and novel
approach. Instead, focus on your strengths, whether that’s telling
a joke, writing a poem or doing a little jig in cut-off denim
shorts.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The means of seduction determines the end. A trite thought,
perhaps, but we can’t all be as quirky and clever as you
Capricorns. You are quirky and clever in your seductions, too, and
that attracts the most unusual mates. If you’d like something a bit
more white-bread for a change, try acting more normal.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Make like Olivia Newton John this week and get physical. That’s not
code for “have sex” (though knockin’ boots can provide a good
cardiovascular workout). No, we really mean get off your bum and
get moving, whether at the gym, in a park or up a mountain. You may
not meet the person of your dreams at any of these places, but at
least when you eventually do, your ass will look great.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’ve heard it all before: “Life is short. Seize the day. You only
get one shot, so live it to the fullest. No regrets!” But have you
really listened? It’s hard to keep the big picture in mind when
you’re bogged down with the disappointments, conflicts and
embarrassments of the day-to-day. But you don’t want to be on your
deathbed, right before that light goes out, and suddenly be struck
by the awful existential question, “What if?” Chances are, at that
point you’ll be less concerned with the fact that forty years
earlier you made an ass of yourself by taking a chance and
confessing your true feelings to the one you love. There’s even a
chance they’ll be by your bedside holding your hand at the end.
(Sniffle, sniffle.)
- What If Your BF Won't Let You Go Down on Him?
- Weekly Love & Sex Horoscopes
- What If You Don't Like Your Boyfriend's Porn?
- Do Guys Ever Choose Self-Love Over Sex?
- What's Up with the Nuva Ring?
photo by Simply Schmoopie
