When is pornography cause for concern? How much is normal, and how much is ... too much?
-Amber Madison, Betty's Sexpert
When someone enters a monogamous relationship they maintain the right to sleep with one person besides you: themselves. And for many guys who don't have the most vivid imaginations, masturbation is a lot easier with something to look at, i.e. porn. But if you're like many women, the thought of your guy watching it makes you squirm. Understandably, the idea of your guy getting aroused by - or possibly even fantasizing about having sex with - another woman, is upsetting. However, the majority of porn that guys watch is not women parading around naked, it's men and women having sex (and if it makes you feel better, most porn stars aren't exactly supermodels). Your guy isn't necessarily being aroused by the woman herself, as much as he is being aroused by watching sex.
Chances are, you would be aroused by watching sex too. It's not just a guy thing. Studies show that women get just as turned on watching pornography as men do. The only difference: they are less likely to admit it.
For the most part, being with a guy who watches pornography is okay. According to psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert, "Watching pornography can be a normal and healthy activity and there may actually be benefits. It can inspire some who may otherwise lack creativity and as a result enhance a sexual relationship." During your guy's alone time, he might be picking up some tricks he can use later on to please you. And in that case, bring on the triple X!
Although watching pornography can be healthy, some guy's viewing habits may raise cause for concern. If a guy you're with is watching very violent pornography or films that depict rape scenes, it's a sign he could have unhealthy and possibly unsafe sexual tendencies. If it's kiddie porn he's into -- run for the door (and think about calling the police). If you find he has been watching gay porn (man on man), it could be a sign your guy is questioning his own sexuality. But don't jump to the immediate conclusion that he's gay or bisexual.
Your guy actually being ADDICTED to pornography isn't very likely. Unless he's pawning family heirlooms in order to finance his porn addiction or unable to hold a job because he's constantly visiting titty sites on his computer, he's probably not addicted to pornography. A guy can, however, feel that he is dependent on pornography to get an erection, or be able to have an orgasm (basically, he can't have sex with you unless he is watching porn). In that case, it's time for him to consult a sex therapist.
How much is too much? Your guy should prefer having sex with you to watching pornography. If he rarely wants to have sex with you because he masturbates so much, that's a problem. If he's compulsively watching pornography on a daily basis, and making excuses so that he can be alone with his videos, he's watching too much pornography. A good rule of thumb here is that porn is a problem if it's interfering with your sex life or your relationship.
Even if your guys' porn-watching habit isn't directly affecting your relationship, if it bothers you, you should talk with him about it. But as Dr. Alpert advises, do so gently ... so that things don't get ugly. He says, "If a woman has concerns she should approach her man in a nonthreatening, non-accusatory way. Saying for example, ‘I noticed a lot of porn sites have been visited on our computer and I want to get your take on what that's all about.' Be open to his explanation - the calmer you are the more comfortable he'll feel and the more likely he'll be to open up."
Being with a guy who enjoys his porn may make you examine some of your own feelings, insecurities, and morals about sexuality. In the long run though, that's a good thing. Remember, just because he's watching someone else have sex, it's not a sign he wants to sleep with other women, or that he's dissatisfied with you.
As the saying goes, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Maybe you should try watching a nudie flick or two and see what you think about it. Perhaps, you even want to try watching one with him. And now, there is a large segment of the pornography industry that caters to women. So you even can get in on the action without having to endure fake boobs, tool belts, and greasy guys with ponytails.
Have a question for Amber about sex? Ask her here
Read more about love and sex from BettyConfidential.com: Have Sex Like a Celeb, G-Spot, The Spot? and 5 Best Spots to Meet a Smart Man
