A quick Yahoo! search brings up nearly 680,000 hits when you ask about how to prepare for your annual gynecologist visit, but they're all directed at 16 year old girls. Yo, Internet, stop assuming I'm so mature!
So those who have been to the gyno more than a handful of times but still refers to it as "a visit with the lady doctor," are left to fend for themselves. The reason why I treat my annual visit with the lady doctor like a date is because of this lack of information out there in the big, exhausting world wide web. That, and the fact that the waiting room is more luxurious than the restaurant that I had my last date on was.
I'm going to open up this awkward conversation right here, and give you my one personal set of tips when dealing with your "lady doctor." (Who may or may not be a lady, but that is irrelevant.)
1. Shave your legs. Questions like What should I wear? or How should I do my hair? will ensue, but don't let the internal rambling make you tardy for your visit. No one wants to be rushed through a paps smear. Shave your legs the day before.
2. Deodorant. Don't forget the whole throw-your-arms-over-your-head-while-spread-eage-in-stirrups move you'll be expected to bust out within five minutes of the visit. Please, girl, put some deodorant on. Your doctor will thank you.
3. Don't have sex. So I'm sure they can't tell when the last time you've had sex, but I can't see what they're doing down there so I'd rather go on the safe side and refrain from any sexual activity at least a week before my visit. I bet thousands or even millions of women will think this fear is crazy, but I will stand by it.
4. Wear a dress. Okay, so even though I look uber cute for every gyno visit, she rarely notices that dress I'm rockin for our annual July shindig. But wearing a dress with flip flops makes the whole undressing and dressing part go a lot quicker (do not do this in the winter, you will freeze and I don't want to be held responsible).
5. Ladyscape. We've heard of manscaping, but women rarely talk about their own ladyscaping. Come on, you all do it. But I have this huge fear that if I overdue the ladyscaping my gyno will judge me. If I don't do it at all, she will judge me. Attempt to find some middle ground.
6. Know Your Period. Don't you hate when they ask you the last date of your period and you have to look at a calendar attempting to point out a day? This happens to me every time. It's like I get stage fright all of sudden, right smack in the middle of the doctor's office. I can see the nurse thumbing for that pregnancy test at the corner of my eye while I flip through the pages of the calendar.
7. Empty your bladder. This has never happened to me but my worse nightmare is having my doctor apply pressure and just totally lose it right there on the table. If they don't ask for a urine sample, ask to use the restroom anyways so you don't have to squirm when they apply "a little pressure" (which is actually "a lot" of pressure).
8. Keep it classy. Along with shaving your legs and your lady bits, I also like to keep it classy when it comes to natural looking make-up and clean underwear. Again, don't ask me why. I just assume my gynecologist is judging me and I want to seem as virginal as possible. I'm sure somewhere out there my sorority sisters just got a really good laugh.
Those are all the rules I follow when going for my 2:30 dates with my gynecologist, but let me know if you have any to add to the list. Don't be shy, my mother is probably going to call me in about ten minutes asking me to define the term "ladyscape," so considered the worst to have already been said and done.
