9 Things To Say During A Fight

From the Community…

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  Posted by Mark Brooks Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:48am PDT

  For me, the last two are by far the most powerful. On the very rare occasions I have disagreements with my 'divine incarnation of the very embodiment of reasonableness,' Irena, I find the best thing is to take a 5 minute breather and think. Works a treat. And if that doesn't work, we'll try 'I love you' at some point. Usually when we argue its about where we're going to put a piece of furniture. So, as solution, Irena and I flew in my ex-girlfriend and she did the interior decoration one Xmas. Crazy, eh?

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  Posted by Theresa Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:48am PDT

  seek first to understand, then to be understood.

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  Posted by Dubs Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:14am PDT

  YourTango blogging about something actually relevant? *blinks in disbelief*

  Too many times emotions run hot during arguments and internalization of the accusatory or dogmatic approach just escalates the fervor as mentioned. Egocentrism spurs the mindset that your perspective is the right one; you have to win this argument because only YOU'RE RIGHT. This is primarily conveyed through "You" language. It puts people on defensive early on and sets the tone for the entire argument.

  Julia T Wood is an excellent author in the realm of Interpersonal Communication; I recommend her work especially for Constructive Conflict Resolution.

  A lot of the following is a bit common sense but feel free to comment away.

  Avoid verbal aggression

  -increases defensiveness

  -escalates the conflict

  -reduces the possibilities for understanding

  Stick to the issue at hand

  -deal with one problem at a time

  -don't 'gunny sack' or 'kitchen sink'

  Avoid Non Assertion

  -deal with issues as they come up

  -don't be a doormat

  -respect your own needs as important

  Be assertive (Important)

  -use "I Language"

  -state feelings clearly and honestly while demonstrating respect for the other person

  Practice Good Listening (Very Important)

  -don't interrupt

  -avoid your bad listening habits

  -have a desire to understand

  -listen with empathy

  Use a problem solving orientation rather than a control orientation

  -approach conflict as a mutual undertaking in which the goal is to solve the problem together

  -don't presume all conflicts must be "win-lose"

  -attempt to come up with multiple solutions to the problem

  -communicate assertively

  -use empathy to understand the situation from the other's perspective

  Consider the relation and physical context

  -How important is this person to me?

  -How important is this issue to me?

  -Is this the right time and place for this argument?

  Last but not least avoid passive aggressive crazymaker behavior.

  -they are indirect and therefore unclear

  -increase defensiveness

  -escalate conflict

  -can damage relationships

  -do not resolve the problem

  Here are a couple Passive Aggressive Crazymakers see if you have ever participated in any.

  1. The Avoider

  -Avoiders refuse to fight. When a conflict arises, they will leave, fall asleep, pretend to be busy at work, or keep from facing the problem in some other way. This behavior makes it very difficult for partners to express feelings of anger, hurt, and so on, because the avoider won't fight back. Arguing with an avoider is like trying to box with a person who won't even put up his/her gloves

  2. The Psuedo-Accomodator

  -These types refuse to face up to conflict either by giving in or by pretending that there's nothing wrong at all. This really drives partners crazy and causes them to feel both guilt and resentment toward the accommodators.

  3. The Guiltmaker

  -Instead of saying straight out that they don't want or approve of something, Guiltmakers try to change their partner’s behavior by making them feel responsible for causing pain. The Guiltmaker's favorite line is "It's OK don't worry about me...." accompanied by a big sigh.

  4. The Subject Changer

  -really a type of avoider , Subject Changers escape facing up to conflict by shifting the conversation whenever it approaches a problem area. Because of these tactics, Subject Changers and their partners never have he chance to explore the problem and do something about it.

  5. The Distracter

  -Rather than come out and express feelings about the object of dissatisfaction, Distracters attack other parts of their partner's life. Thus, they never have to share what's really on their minds and can avoid dealing with the painful parts of the relationship.

  6. The Mind Reader

  -Instead of allowing partners to express feelings honestly, Mind Readers go into character analysis, explaining what the other person really means or what's wrong. By behaving this way Mind readers refuse to handle their own feelings and leave no room for others to express themselves.

  7. The Trapper

  -Trappers play an especially dirty trick by setting up a desired behavior in their partners and then attacking the very things that were requested. An example of this technique is "Lets be total honest with each other." When the partner shares feelings, he or she is attacked for having feelings the trapper doesn't want to accept.

  8. The Crisis Tickler

  -Crisis Ticklers almost bring what's bothering them to the surface, but never quite come out with it. Instead of admitting concern about finances, the Tickler innocently asks, "Gee how much did that cost?" dropping a rather obvious hint but never really dealing with the crisis.

  9. The Gunnysacker

  -These people don't respond immediately when they are angry. Instead they put their resentments into a "gunnysack", which after a while begins to bulge with large and small gripes. Then, when the sack is about to burst, the gunnysacker pours out pent up aggressions on the overwhelmed and unsuspecting victim.

  10. The Trivial Tyrannizer

  -Instead of honestly sharing resentments, Trivial Tyrannizers do things they know will get their partner's goat--leaving dirty dishes in the sink, clipping fingernails in bed, belching out loud, turning up the tv too loud and so on.

  11. The Beltliner

  -Everyone as a psychological "beltline," and below it are subjects too sensitive to be approached without damaging the relationship. Beltlines may have to do with physical characteristics, intelligence, past behavior, or deeply ingrained personality traits a person is trying to overcome. In an attempt to "get even" or hurt their partners feelings Beltliners will use intimate knowledge to hit below the belt, where they know it will hurt.

  12. The Joker

  -Because they are afraid to face conflicts squarely, the Joker kids around when their partners want to be serious, thus blocking the expression of important feelings.

  13. The Blamer

  -Blamers are more interested in finding fault than in solving the conflict. Needless to say, they usually don't blame themselves. Blaming behavior almost never solves a conflict and is an almost surefire way to make the receiver defensive.

  14. The Contract Tyrannizer

  -Contract Tyrannizers will not allow their relationships to change from the way they once were. Whatever the agreements partners had for roles and responsibilities at one time, they'll remain unchanged. "Its your job to...feed the baby, wash the dishes, discipline the kids."

  15. The Kitchem Sink Figher

  -These people are so named because in an argument they bring up things that are totally off the subject, "everything but the kitchen sink"):the way a partner behaved last New Year's Eve, the unbalanced checkbook, bad breath----anything.

  16. The Withholder

  -Instead of expressing anger honestly and directly, Withholders punish partners by keeping back something: courtesy, affection, good cooking, humor, sex. As you can imagine, this is likely to build up even greater resentments in the relationship.

  17. The Benedict Arnold.

  -Benedict Arnolds get back at partners by sabotage, by failing to defend them from attackers, and even by encouraging ridicule or disregard from outside the relationship.

  Cheers ;)

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• 
  Posted by None Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:31am PDT

  I DESPISE the silent treatment, or those mocking questions to me, I like to go at it full blown yelling with facts to show and prove wrong! LOL!

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  Posted by None Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:31am PDT

  Cuban Style! But no hitting! We're not in Miami b---- ! LOL!

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• 
  Posted by JoeN Tue Aug 11, 2009 2:47pm PDT

  Two words: Make up sex.

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  Posted by KittyKat Tue Aug 11, 2009 7:05pm PDT

  Go Dubs Go! This is one of the very and I mean very few good posts of YourTango. I agree completely with this post. If only it were that easy to actually do. LOL! Everytime me and my man fight we always tell each other we love each other. But sometimes I can be a doormat though I shouldnt always be. I shouldnt always be quiet I should speak back in a soft tone and convey what I have to say without screaming.

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  Posted by Aveyima Wed Aug 12, 2009 9:52am PDT

  i think it is better not to let our anger to over power our soft heart during triar time so that we can avoid the danger which might lead to discord,but we should always think of maintaining this expression (ilove you)which is often pronounced by us in times of disagreement.

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  Posted by Aveyima Wed Aug 12, 2009 9:58am PDT

  love is not some thing we can foresake only for peace to rein but it is to infinity.

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  Posted by KatV Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:57pm PDT

  JoeN 22 has math issues... -_-

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