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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

8 Rules for Breaking Up

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WW2

http://www.ehow.com/how_2196708_quickly-explain-world-war-ii.html

The phrase "rules of war" is ironic. How does something as chaotic as war have rules? Love is like war in many ways, and the most chaotic part of love is the breakup. You wrestle with yourself over how the breakup happens, and then you have to deal with the aftermath. The scary thing is that everyone has their own opinions about behavior throughout a breakup. And, of course, the length of the relationship may dictate the breakup rules.

So, are there any rules we can establish? I've put together elements of a breakup that we need to iron out:

Question: What's the best mode of communication for breaking up- email, text, phone, face-to-face?

Rule: I know people who have been broken up with via text or instant messenger. You have to do it face-to-face if you're in a serious relationship. Taking the easy way out is pretty lame. Beware of any written communication because it can be used against you, although email is a nice way to leave a "receipt/record" of breakup.

Question: Is it acceptable to breakup while the other person is going through a difficult time in their life?

Rule: I once thought it was rude to ride out a tough time with someone, while planning to breakup with them. Why lead someone on? But I recently heard a story about a girl who had lots of bad things going on and also lost her grandmother. On top of this, her boyfriend broke up with her. I now think that you should ride out a tough time with your significant other, even if you plan to breakup. Stick around for a bit if breaking up with them will rub salt in fresh wounds. It's a tough balance, though, if this time goes on too long.

Question: Do you always have to "officially" break up with someone?

Rule: My sister once found out that her boyfriend was actually her ex from his new girlfriend. Then there are the Houdinis who dissapear. Some people don't think it's necessary to inform the other person that they are breaking up. But you must tell someone you're not interested, or want to break up if you've been hanging out for at least a few weeks.

Question: How long am I allowed to be confused?

Rule: Two weeks is more than enough time to be confused. Do you plan to live out your entire relationship in this confused state? That's not fair to you, or your significant other. Sometimes a breakup is necessary to clear up that confusion, even though you might lose them by the time you try to come back.

Question: What's the policy for reclaiming personal items?

Rule: Try to get it done in one visit, as it could get more awkward if you continue to visit to pick up stuff. High-value and sentimental items should always be returned to their rightful owner. And, if it's too soon to see each other, you can have friends help out as delivery people. The sooner you can reclaim stuff, the better. Don't allow someone time to get attached to your property.

Question: Her friend is hot. Can I go out with her now?

Rule: Really? Try to have some class, and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You can't date someone who your ex knows, let alone one of their friends. As far as I'm concerned, this is against the rules- even if they pretend they don't care. Maybe it's OK if you didn't get too serious with the original significant other.

Question: I'm still friends with her friends and family. Is it cool if we stay in touch?

Rule: My sister's ex still talks to my mom. I'd describe my sisters feelings as "slightly annoyed" over this. Generally, it's important to leave someone's friends and family to them and take some time away. After a while, maybe you can be friends with everyone again.

Question: I'm breaking up with her but I have feelings for her. Can I tell her I have feelings for her?

Rule: No, no, no! People try to smooth it out by saying something like: "I love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore." Avoid using the word "love" while breaking up unless you're saying "I'm in love with somebody else." It's not fair to send mixed signals. Make the break, and don't talk about how "difficult" it is to break up with them. If it was that difficult, would you really be breaking up?

What kinds of questions do you have for "rules for breaking up," and what would your answers be for mine? Do you have any experiences where these rules came in to play?


Posted by Rich


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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 42
  • FaRnAz's Avatar
    Posted by FaRnAz Thu Oct 22, 2009 8:15am PDT

    thanks for the article .

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  • Tara's Avatar
    Posted by Tara Thu Oct 22, 2009 8:29am PDT

    And please add on her birthday too. My ex dumped me on my birthday with absolutely no warning, said he wanted to see what else was out there. Two weeks later he was calling me whining about no one would give him the time of day. Two weeks later I started seeing someone and he carried on like i cheated on him. Two weeks later he came crawling back regretting breaking up with me. Two weeks after that he was dating my best friend, AKA as his cousin's ex girlfriend. Last I heard she dumped him b/c he was clingy stubborn and childish; still needed his mom to take care of him when he had a cold. I was once bitter, now I just laugh.

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  • DevinMarie's Avatar
    Posted by DevinMarie Thu Oct 22, 2009 9:14am PDT

    My bf did the houdini act.... He moved back to Cali while i was at work.... We met in Nevada, he came here for a job. I rented a room from him off of craigslist until eventually we started dating and i moved upstairs. 8 months later, his job wasnt working out and we were having problems (i started them). The day after our ugliest arguement and a nasty email i wrote, he moved back to cali without telling me. A week later, he drove back to help me move my things in with my parents... It's been a year since he left.. we've been talking/visiting ever since and we also have our own places now, but were not in a labeled relationship... Our communication is waaay better, we've learned to agree to disagree, and try to visit eachother once a month. My family doesnt like him, since he moved out like he did... We dont say I LOVE YOU yet we talk about possibilities for the future and act like a couple... We drive eachother crazy sometimes but we cant go a few days without talking! When is it time to move on or get serious?

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  • Audrey's Avatar
    Posted by Audrey Thu Oct 22, 2009 9:33am PDT

    I think you should break up with someone when you are ready too, even if they are going through a rough time. My ex did not break up with me while my dad had cancer and pretended to care while he moved in with another women in Portland. He should have just left when he start seeing his admin.It would have hurt less then finding out about her.

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  • Cassie's Avatar
    Posted by Cassie Thu Oct 22, 2009 10:01am PDT

    all i gotta say is true true true = )

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  • Heather's Avatar
    Posted by Heather Thu Oct 22, 2009 11:18am PDT

    yeah my most recent boyfriend pulled the houdini act. Our relationship was so great and we were so in love and he did this over me blowing up over something stupid so he decides to just dissapear out of my life! Guys are just immature and never wabt to face things or deal with anything like us women do. They mess with our emotions so much and leave us feeling so emtpy. This is a good article and I wish men would follow by these rules but unfortunatly most of them dont.

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  • LindsayF's Avatar
    Posted by LindsayF Thu Oct 22, 2009 11:21am PDT

    I completely agree with all of this. Its just the follow through that is hard! I am currently going through a I-am-confused-and-want-to-break-up-but-still-want-to-see-you-and-talk relationship and I find it hard as hell to just say no. After this I think I am encouraged to stay strong.

    P.S. I love the section

    "don't talk about how "difficult" it is to break up with them. If it was that difficult, would you really be breaking up?"

    hahaha True!

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  • Queen Trixie's Avatar
    Posted by Queen Trixie Thu Oct 22, 2009 11:51am PDT

    I think I should email this to my ex. He did the disappearing Houdini act after 9 months. That is just plain disrespectful and hurtful. It would have been much easier to hear him say, "I'm sorry but this just isn't going to work for me." It's a very chicken- s--- thing to do. Get a back bone and be a real man.

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  • None's Avatar
    Posted by None Thu Oct 22, 2009 12:12pm PDT

    I hear ya......I cut someone off in a bad way, so I am trying to apologize so we don't leave on another in a hateful way.....he won't respond LOL! Oops!

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  • None's Avatar
    Posted by None Thu Oct 22, 2009 12:15pm PDT

    I disagree with Question: I'm breaking up with her but I have feelings for her. Can I tell her I have feelings for her? & Question: Is it acceptable to breakup while the other person is going through a difficult time in their life? It is not going to get easier, but more hypocritical if you stay with someone purely for feeling "sorry or bad for them," just break it off, and telling someone your feelings is nothing wrong, I have great love and respect for the person I am cutting off, BUT, I also know we aren't compatible and were toxic for one another, we can have respect for one another, and he means a lot to me, I don't want him to think our relationship was a lie, so just say things carefully.

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Comments 1-10 of 42

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