I grew up in a broken home. My parents divorced when my brother and
I were very young. My mom remarried soon after the divorce and is
still married to my step-dad. My dad is now on his 5th wife (my mom
being the first). So, I grew up all of my life with step-parents
and step-siblings. All of which have had wonderful and extremely
horrible outcomes. I have learned alot from my parents marriages
and relationships, which in turn, eventually outlined my
expectations for a spouse.
When growing up, becoming a step-parent never really crosses your
mind. Until, you meet "The One" and they happen to have a
child/children. I was 19 when I met my, now husband, and at the
time he had an 8 month old son. After finding out the details of
the child, as far as, the mother. I dropped all questions of
intentions of dating him. Im not sure if having been a step-child
had anything to do with my non-chalant attitude toward him having a
child or not, but quite frankly the subject has never bothered me.
Several months later, we moved in together and began getting his
son every weekend and every holiday together. It was wonderful! His
son and I bonded instantly, and I couldnt have asked for more.
A few short weeks after my husband and I got married (1 1/2 months
ago) we gained full custody of his son. We were/are ecstatic!!!
This was wonderful for everyone.
Just an insight, his son's mom and he never were married, it
was a short relationship that ultimately resulted in her getting
pregnant. It happens, and who are we to question God's gift of
a child? The mom, never had much to do with the son and mainly saw
him as a monetary gain vs. a child. She received all monetary
benefits from him and sat on her butt all day and night, while we
were the ones raising him the whole time. Gaining custody was, what
we call our wedding present from God! He waited for the perfect
time and gave us the opportunity to provide a much needed, good
home for this precious boy.
Meanwhile, I have learned so much from this whole step-parenting
situation. I now, have so much more respect for my current
step-father, who has been there for my brother and I through thick
and thin! Even when my own father failed to be there.
As a child, we tend to take for granted our parents spouses being
there. Children are mean and I am as guilty as any other step-child
out there for the "You're not my mom/dad" or
"You cant tell me what to do!", and all the other
comments and slurs. Also, in my situation, having cared for this
child much more than his own mother has, but when he cries for her
or wants her instead of me. That is tough. Especially knowing the
things about his mother that I do know. I just keep telling myself,
God only gives us what we can handle, and if He didnt think I could
handle this hurdle, he wouldnt have put it in front of me. My
husband is very supportive of everything I do for him and his son
and is there to comfort me when he knows, these things are
hard.
My main point is, I think everyone takes for granted the
step-parenting role unless they, themselves have been in that
position. Dont get me wrong, there are step-parents out there that
dont give a care in the world for their step-children. I know,
because I had several step-moms that were that way. But, that is
for certain, not the case in my situation.
Anyone else a step-parent and know and understand
the difficulties Im talking about? Has it affected the way you feel
toward other broken families? Were you yourself from a broken
family and now a step-parent?
User post: Step-Parenting
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From the Community…
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Posted by Mon Jul 27, 2009 4:34pm PDT
Report Abuseim there. ive been with my boyfriend for about 3 years his little girl is 3 1/2 years. me and dad began dating when kayden was about 6 months old (officially), he gained full custody of her when she about a month before. since then i have been more of a mother then the birth mom. we've had multiple problems between the birth mother and us. first it was me being around, then kayden calling me 'mom' which was started by kayden... we fought it but eventually kayden won. now its down to the birth mom marrying an abusive man and why we do not want the child around either of them. everyday is struggle with boundaries and and normal childhood challenges. but when i see her smile and how happy and confident she is i know there was a reason god brought all 3 of us together. it takes time, communication, patience and understanding. just remember to never bad mouth the 'other parent' while the child is near kids will always remember actions and words
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Posted by Mon Jul 27, 2009 5:11pm PDT
Report AbuseI could never date someone who already had children. I don't want kids, so if I were to meet a man who already had them ... it would just be a no-go.
Even if I did want children, I would certainly want a period of life where it was just my man and me, with no one else to think about for a little while. Plus, babies come with baby-mamas, and who needs that kind of baggage interrupting your courtship?
Nope. Back when I was single, I never did and never would date a guy with kids.
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Posted by Tue Jul 28, 2009 7:48am PDT
Report AbuseI come from a different part of the whole step parent thing. I grew up with both parents and they are still happily married. I have a 6 year old and am no longer with her dad. He now has a girlfriend who he has been with for more then a year and they are expecting a baby together. She has been amazing to my daughter and with 2 of her own already I often wonder how she does it all. My daughter calls her her step mom and her parents grammy and grandpop. The way I see it is the more people in my daughter's life who love her the better. I even have started taking her two daughters and babysitting them on weekends, most people can't imagine taking their ex husbands current girlfriends kids for the weekend but it has worked out for the best. After all she is helping to raise my daughter and I get lots of time off. Time off to relax makes you a better parent, so I am more then happy to give my daughter's step mom time off. My ex is also very happy with her and thus easier for me to deal with since we do not get along. Beig a stepparent must be awfully hard, after all they are not your kid so where do you draw the line at disapline and other parts of helping to raise a child.
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Posted by Tue Jul 28, 2009 8:15am PDT
Report AbuseI agree I love my BF children as much as I love my own, together we have 5. We have custody of all at this time and since Stepchildren have came to live with us they are so much better emotionally.. We are not married yet but do plan on getting married in the future mostly b/c birth mom had serious issues and a divorce that has been drug out for two years now, they have officially been trying to get divorced for half the time that they were married.
My stepchildren call my dad the same things that my children call him and my dad loves them with all of his heart too. The children were a little upset that they had to go to their moms and missed getting to stay the night with their papaw Mark. I am glad to see that their are other people out there that love there stepchildren as much as I love mine.
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Posted by Tue Jul 28, 2009 8:20am PDT
Report AbuseRobyn, I feel you on the mother issues. I cant count on one hand the issues we have had over the last 4 years. We just keep everything documented and when the time arrives, we bring out the ammo. Patience is definately a virtue and anyone with children or step-children knows that!! We never bad mouth the mother in front of the little one, however, we cant say the same for her. She has apparently bad mouthed the two of us in front of him, because of some of the questions he has came to us with. Thats terrible for us and him! Most of the stuff she has told him are lies anyways.
Mysterious Gryphon, having been a step-child, its hard for me to say I wouldnt date anyone who has children, because my parents were once those people. And,I was once that "child" and "extra-baggage". Its not the child's fault. Also, I know if I had that mentality I would have missed out on my soul-mate! But, most people feel the same way you do. I dont judge you one second for that mentality. It definately isnt for everyone!
Amr1248, That is so wonderful you have that relationship with your ex's new SO. Not only does it benefit yalls relationship, but I know it has the best impact on your daughters life as well. That is such a positive mentality that you have on the situation, which in turn, will have the same positive impact on your daughter! Being a step-parent is definately hard, but worth the outcome! I wouldn't trade it for anything!
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Posted by Tue Jul 28, 2009 8:26am PDT
Report AbuseI am the birth mother in the step-child situation on this one. My ex-husband (biological father to my son) is in prison, and I left him and moved cross country when my son was 2 to stay near family. I started dating a few months later, while my divorce was still pending, and we married when my son was 4. My son has no memory of his father, which is fine. He knows his stepfather is not his birth father. He calls him by his first name, but refers to him as dad when talking about him. Unfortunately, he still asks about his "first dad," and while he knows he is in prison and has no actual memory about him, says that he misses him. He also has a half-sister from my ex-husband's first marriage that he doesn't know about, and I'm not sure the appropriate time to tell him.
However, at least we don't have any custody issues or baby-mama-drama, as I am the birth mother and when his birth father is released from prison, he'll be on the sex offender list anyhow.
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Posted by Tue Jul 28, 2009 8:58am PDT
Report AbuseI can totally relate to all this, it's nice to hear from some other women who are feeling these things too! I'm currently seeing a man who has a 6-year-old daughter, and dealing with this situation is one of the hardest things I have ever done. We have the same problem some other people have described, the mother has drug/alcohol problems, dates an abusive loser, badmouths us and lies to the little one constantly... it's a nightmare trying to navigate it! We're thinking about some family therapy in the near future, because we can see all the negative behavioral effects of the mother's influence over the kid. Ultimately my boyfriend would like full custody, but this would be several years away since he went back to school recently and isn't in a position to go for it (fortunately, the daughter is being financially and emotionally supported by her maternal grandparents rather than the mother, so she is safe and cared for). It's really nice to hear that other women have dealt with all this kind of turmoil and come out the other side relatively undamaged!
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Posted by Tue Jul 28, 2009 9:10am PDT
Report AbuseI am currently going through the same things. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and we are seriously talking about marriage. He has 3 kids with two different women. The oldest one he has full custody of, but he doesn't live with us at the moment. The youngest 2 he has 53% of the custody. His ex wife (the mother of the youngest 2) is constantly giving us problems and won't work with us on the things the kids need. You can tell she doesn't really want the kids only the child support he has to pay. We haven't been able to potty train his 3 1/2 year old because she won't put him in pull-ups or underwear and she doesn't do anything to encourage it. We are waiting till we get married and then we are going to try for full custody again. I keep hoping his ex will just decide to give them up. She is 21 and just wants to be able to go out and enjoy her life without the kids around. I have never had a step-parent or been one so this is all new to me and there are times that it just breaks my heart when the kids cry for their mom. I know that is something that I will always have to deal with, but just knowing how she treats them it boggles my mind. If anyone has any suggestions of what we can use in court to get full custody I would greatly appreciate the advice.
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Posted by Tue Jul 28, 2009 9:13am PDT
Report AbuseKatie, we are also considering therapy for the little one. He has also displayed the negative effects his mother's behavior has had on him. And really, who can blame the kid? Im sure there is much more that went on than we even know about. We are just thankful to finally have custody and can provide the safe environment he deserves.
Callie, your situation sounds tough as well! This day in time, even with divorce so regular, young children are still taught through TV, school, books etc. that "mommy & daddy" are together as one. So, Im sure your son has heard and seen these stories dipicted in this way. Which is probably why he says he misses his dad. In his case, Im sure its just curiousity, and something he knows he doesnt have. It's really sad for the children when you think of it, but we deal with a similar situation. Sounds like you know whats best for your little man, and one day he will be old enough to understand.
Kristina... Amen, sister!
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Posted by Tue Jul 28, 2009 9:33am PDT
Report Abuseagood55, I know how you feel 100%. While, we are only dealing with one child, we went and still are going through much of what you are dealing with. The best advice I can give you as far as court, yall need to get a notebook and document every detail of interaction, incidents, stuff the mother says, and even who had the child when. This will all come in handy when you get an attorney and can present him with the evidence of what yall have been dealing with. Also, what really helped us, was other peoples statements of things they saw or even heard, in dealing with the mother. Just document, document, document. ANYTHING that happens with the child or mother... write it down in detail!!! We had over a year and a half worth of documentation when we presented it to our attorney and he was astonished at the stuff in there. You think, you will remember the stuff, but its impossible to remember dates, times, and even most of the actions.
Im hear to talk whenever you need... seriously, I know what you are going through.
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