I confess, I started off the summer with a commitment to myself (and unbeknownst to them...my family) that I would loosen up and try to say YES more often than I did during the school year. It worked for a few weeks - and my life was punctuated by affirmatives: "yes, you can buy one box of sugar cereal each.", "Yes you can watch just one more show.", "sure, you can put the dog on the raft in the pool."
But as the lazy days of summers continued on, my children took advantage of my good nature and undermined my plan to be agreeable.
The erosion of my happy plan to be a "yes MOM" began with my teetering-on-the-edge-of-adulthood 17 year old daughter asking me if she could take a trip to Europe with her bestfriend. Now a post high school graduation Euro-trip wasn't out of the question as we'd been discussing this all year - she'd actually planned a trip and cancelled it. But this request was a doozy: she wanted to leave for Europe the NEXT day to take a whirlwind trip through 4 countries. Sure, she had a job she was committed to for the next 6 weeks, but they would understand - this was an opportunity of a life time!
I have to admit that for several hours during a long negotiation involving tears and expletives (tears, hers; expletives, mine) I was tempted to acquiese. But ultimately - after many pow wows with her dad, I held my ground that 1) it was RIDICULOUS to think about leaving for Europe with 24 hours notice - even if her friend was able to pull this off thanks to indulgent parents and more importantly, 2) she had a job - her first real paying job. I said no and I stuck to it -- even after she threatened to NOT speak to me for the remainder of our last few months together before she left for college.
In sequential order - my other two kids pushed the pendulum from Yes to No, but without as much vitriole as my eldest. My 10 year old wanted to stay up WAY past her even later summer bedtime to watch yet another reality show -- I think it was Project Runway for hairdressers or was it the Real World with dogs? Honestly, I'm not sure. But all I knew was that if she stayed up till 11pm, she would be heck on wheels the next day. No. Nope. Not happening. She too, threatened the silent treatment.
My 7 year old was next - with a more bizarre request for me NOT to drive him to camp in an outfit, which to him, resembled my pajamas. I confess to often rolling from my late afternoon sweatpants and t-shirt into bed and then out of bed in the am to start my day again. But on this particular morning, I hadn't slept in this ensemble - I had actually showered and put it on! He wouldn't let up - insisting that I was wearing my pjs, that he'd seen me sleep in this before, that I absolutely COULD NOT walk him into camp in what I was wearing.
Again, as in most arguments with my kids, the easy way out would be to give in. But fortified by two previous "wins" with the others, I offered proof to my son that I was not in sleepwear by doing what I knew would shut him up - I showed him my bra strap and said "See??? I'm wearing a bra under this! I don't sleep in a bra!" Being a little boy - the word bra - let alone the item itself - was enough to end the conversation and he reluctantly backed down.
Looking back on my original plan to say "Yes to Yes" - I realize that it was as much for me as it was for them. "Yes" is easier - much easier -than the litigious conversations that follow "No." But I'm happy to say that despite threats of silence and pouting, my teenager was fine the next day, and honestly, I think relieved that I'd laid down the law. As for the other two munchkins, their recovery was swift too.
So much for being agreeable this summer -- probably more often than not, I'm saying NO to YES.
True Mom Confession: I'm saying NO to YES.
- by , on Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:47am PDT
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:42am PDT
Report AbuseYou are a fantastic Mom! Kudos.
I'm going to use your steadfast tactics on my 9 & 11 year olds. Great advice, thanks.
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:05am PDT
Report AbuseI applaud you for saying no. I think parents don't say no enough. Yes is always the easy way out of listening to the whining and tantrums. If there were more parents like you out there, I think people would hate kids less.
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:11am PDT
Report AbuseWouldnt the silent treatment be a relief for you? Im 24 and i am very looking foward to getting married and starting my own family. However, I am not rushing in to it. I feel like however when im in the middle of it all with 3 kids and pets and stuff that the silent treatment would be like a vacation. Like when parents send kids to there rooms now they have xbox tv internet everything so wheres the punishment.
So all i have to do is upset u and u wont talk to me? I wish i figured this out years ago. lol
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:25pm PDT
Report AbuseYeah, I'm a NO mom, too. Too many YESes and these kids' footprints would be all over my chest and face! And if it means a day or week or (God Willing!) a MONTH of silence from them, well sweet Jeezuz, I'm there!
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Posted by Fri Jul 18, 2008 4:15pm PDT
Report AbuseIf I was you I would turn the situation around. Try to really see things like your kids are. So, okay, the trip is a little short notice, but why would you want her to miss out on such a great opportunity?? Believe me, she will never let you live that down.
And it doesn't matter if your jammy look-alike outfit isn't really pajamas. That kind of stuff matters to kids. Especially 7 year old boys. It doesn't have to be as big of a deal as you are making it out to be. Knowing that you changed your outfit because you know it matters to him will make him feel good. And it will change how he sees you. And wouldn't that be a great turn around for when you want him to do something?
So what if your daughter wants to stay up late? She's a kid! And its summer!!! It's just tv. It doesnt' have to become a habit. Let her know that. Tell she can stay up sometimes but not every night.
You don't have to throw in the towel and let your kids take over the household. Being a yes mom can be a really positive thing for them. I can see saying no to chocolate for dinner or a 2:00am curfew for a ten year old, but you'll see that being a yes mom will be more beneficial in the long run if you do it right.
Good luck.
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Posted by Sat Jul 19, 2008 10:08am PDT
Report AbuseGreat job the power of No helps us not just as kids, but as adults as well. Example " No I will not write this report for you so you can take the credit. You are on your own:)"
(" REal world with Dogs") awesome I will be laughing about that all day. :)
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Posted by Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:46pm PDT
Report AbuseHey I hear ya. I was committed to being a yes mom this summer too. I haven't thrown in the towel on it yet but I was beginning to feel taken advantage of too. I guess it's all about finding the balance in it all. I do want summer to be a lighter, happier time for my kids but a total let up in boundaries does no one good. My kids seem to benefit from a lotta love and routine too. Enjoy the rest of your summer.
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Posted by Sat Jul 19, 2008 10:26pm PDT
Report AbuseHonestly I think you did everything right, from the sound of your post. I mean with kids, you have to learn balance. Because if you don't they will walk all over you. And really I think if their requests weren't as big as the trip or staying up so late, you still reasonably thought about your answer before saying something that would have been equally childish like "because I said so." It was a good movie, but a very uneffective trait/behavior to have as a parent. It also kind of down plays your real authority as a parent just using it, I think.
As for being a "Yes" mom over the summer, I think all you can do is keep at what you are doing. I mean if you say yes to too many things the kids think they run you. And that isn't good, but if its something reasonable I think you can say yes just about anytime, not just during the summer. Or if its something they really want, I think too that you can teach the game of negotiating or weighing the pros and cons. I think that would have been a great thing to do with the 17 year old. I mean if you showed her some of the pros you thought up and then asked her to list her own and then you both talked through the cons as well, I'm sure she would have seen that you were right without using the expletives and her threats of silence. I think the negotiating would have went well with the 10 year old too. I actually seen on an episode of the Cosby's, where they let Rudie stay up later and though she wasn't really a nightmare the next day she was really tired. But she still learned her lessons. So I think some form of negotitations like that may have helped the 10 year old out too. And as for the 7 year old, well I think the bra trick was cute. But I think when a kid does ask you to reconsider an outfit, and though you may be tired, I think if you may have said something like "Ya know what, you may be right." And put on some jeans and a t-shirt. To actually show him that his opinion matters to you. Hopefully this doesn't get my head ripped off by other parents or by you, blogger, but I think when parenting, you have to be creative and help guide the kids to see their side as well as your side, but at the same time make them feel like they are having their own impact on things too. So just a few suggestions for the future is all.
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Posted by Sun Jul 20, 2008 11:06am PDT
Report AbuseMy two daughters are going to be in 2nd and 3rd grade at the end of August, and I know that our schedule during the school year will just not permit me to say yes to all of there requests. I had thought YES was going to be a gift to all of us this summer. Wrong. They just don't appreciate that their bed time is 9:30 or 10:00 instead of 8/8:30. They don't see the box of cereal they picked out as a treat. The fighting and arguing continues...They are great kids, but kids all the same. I'm right back to the stern "No you may not." Oh well.
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Posted by Sun Jul 20, 2008 5:36pm PDT
Report Abusekids love to cut deals. I know this but I don't like it. I was always a NO mom and sometimes being so strict is hard on everyone...even the No-sayer...so when you do say "yes" make it a deal that is one time only or compromise on something. After all, in the Big folks world compromise is the name of the game.
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