"I said no!" The real reason kids don't listen

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  Posted by karen262299 Fri Mar 27, 2009 4:48pm PDT

  Isn't it amazing how much "experts" think they know about child rearing! As my father is always saying, none of them seem to understand the correlation between raising kids "by the book" and the increase in prison populations. The family is not (and SHOULD not) be a democracy!! It is a dictatorship for a very good reason. While I don't expect my kids (girls, 26,22,and 9yo twins) and grandkids(ages 8-3) to do exactly what they are told as soon as I tell them, (I'm not delusional lol) our grandparents had it right - doesn't matter WHY, kids have to learn to obey adults if for no other reason than their safety! I just wish I had learned he was right 20 years ago!!!

  I agree with you, I will not wait for my grandson, age 3, to figure out that the car coming down the road will kill him. I will continue to grab his hand while YELLING "cars will give you a great big booboo that the doctors can't fix if they hit you" followed by a "sit down" (time out)until I am SURE a moving car will trigger his reactive function!!!

  As for not having developed their reactive function, any parent of a toddler can tell you that they KNOW exactly what the reaction will be if they break a rule and then give you that adorable, "I know it was wrong, but I'm just too cute to punish" look for the umpteenth time that day!!

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  Posted by opiniononly Fri Mar 27, 2009 5:03pm PDT

  Yeah Karen 232299...someone who believes in rules, consequences and accountability.

  I agree, it's not a democracy...and it doesn't have to be a dictatorship either...but someone has to be in charge and it should be the parents!

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  Posted by randy Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:53am PDT

  if they dont know something is wrong thats probably the reason they will keep on doing it but sometimes a little punishment really couldnt hurt to be used.

  punishment yoused to set my brother straight and then when he got older it made him run away so my parents tried to say lets not do that anymore and he took it right away and never did that again

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  Posted by FORDRUNNER MOMMA Sat Mar 28, 2009 1:04pm PDT

  I HAVE A 16 YEAR OLD SOON TO BE STEPSON WHO REFUSES TO LISTEN TO ANY INSTRUCTIONS OR RESPONSIBILITIES! HIS DAD EXCUSES HIM AND I BECOME THE NAG, PICKING ON HIM! HIS DAD WILL TELL HIM OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND THE REPLY IS "OK DAD" OR AN EXCUSE TO PUT THE BALNKET IN THE DRYER WITH HIS FOOT(HE WEIGHS 220 LBS) OR LET HIS PUPPY PEE ON THE NEW FURNITURE WHILE HES PLAYING XBOX OR LIE ABOUT SOMETHING RANDOM. I COULD UNDERSTAND IF HE WERE 3 0R 5 OR EVEN 8 BUT NOT 16! I RAISED 2 GIRLS BY MYSELF NOW 18 & 19 AND I TOOK DRASTIC MEASURES TO PUNISH THEM WHEN THEY WERE IRESPONSIBLE OR REBELIOUS. I WOULD FLIP THE BREAKER TO THEIR ROOM SO NO STEREO OR TV OR TAKE THE PHONE, IT WORKED!!! BOTH CHILDREN HAD FIRST JOB @ 14 AND ARE BOTH QUITE A SUCCESS FOR THEIR AGE. THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTFULL! I AM AT MY ROPES END HERE WITH THIS 16 YEAR OLD BOY AND HIS DAD! WHAT DO I DO? STAY IN MY ROOM AND IGNORE IT AND LET THEM BE LAZY IDIOTS OR KEEP FIGHTING TO TRY TO TEACH THEM HOW TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTFUL AND HOW TO GET UR KIDS ATTENTION AT 16 AND HAVE DAD MAD AT ME ALL THE TIME? PLEASE HELP ME!!!

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  Posted by Erica Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:02pm PDT

  I think that just becuz parents say no does not mean that thats why we dont listen.

  I think we dont listen becuz we dont agreee

  yes we are younger but did u ever stop and think why?

  Did u ever stop and talk to the kids to see why they dont agree or try being more understanding?

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  Posted by ? Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:31pm PDT

  I said no and didn't care if the kids agreed. I didn't feel the need to be more understanding. I was in charge. I had all the responsibility. If something went wrong it was on me to take care of it. The kids did as they were told or they got punished. Also, I didn't feel the need to explain all the rules, but I expected them to be followed. My kids were not my friends and I didn't want them to be. Friends are people you respect and have something in common with and this does not include children. If I develop a friendship with my kids when they are older, and have moved out of my house it is because we both are adults and want to be friends (this has happened with my oldest). However, I will always be the parent.

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  Posted by Rai Rai Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:54pm PDT

  To FORDRUNNER MOMMA,

  I know of the pain you speak of. My man has no problem laying the law on my 10 yr. old but his 14 yr.old is safe from such things. He seems to think if the kids stay quite and out of the way that there is nothing going on, he will find out soon enough that is not the truth. I say if the kid lives in your house your rules go. If Dad isn't going to take the responsibility someone should lay a little reality on the kid before he becomes a total slob. No one likes a slob!!!!!!

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  Posted by *kaji* Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:57pm PDT

  im a kid and i think parents nag kids too much. if parents just let kids do their own thing but still hav control i think both the parent and the kid will be much happier

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  Posted by anjali Sun Mar 29, 2009 9:28am PDT

  I am so tired of hearing people complain that their child is disobedient. It's the parents fault that they are bad. You are the one who should have instilled manners and a sence of right and wrong in your child. Of course your toddler is going to do things that are inappropriate this is when they learn what a decent adult does. If you treat them in a firm respectfull manners then your children will grow up to act the same. If you placate and cajole your toddler you will have raised a person who expects others to do his work and fulfill his responsabilities.

  I raised a child diagnosed with adhd hyperchenetic dissorder He had great difficulty contolling his impulses. did I allow this to be an excuse for bad behavior no. Even at four there were consequenses to his actions if he had an outburst then he would be punished. I didn't explain that he should do this or shouldn't do that because there might be a consequence if he didn't. I did't repeat my request over and over I didn't drug him so that others found his unceasing energy palatable

  I taught him to control the urges to act up and disobey. now as a 23 year old I consider my son to be a successful and productive indiviual. He is honest trustworthy and respectfull, supports himself and lives by a code of honor. When you ask him about his childhood he will say I recieved more love and respect from my parents than anyone else and feel more love and repect for them. He often says that when he starts his own family he will model the household rules after the ones he was raised by.

  When he was 17 he took a part time job at a book store in the local mall to pay for his car insurance. He came home many times talking of the other kids in the mall and their behaviour. He thanked me once for the strictness that I raised him under. His words were "Mom I want to thank you for teaching me how to act for as long as I can remember I knew if I had behaved the way those children did today you would have been furious, I wish more parents loved their children."

  now if a 17 year old boy can say those things then I have my reward for instilling a code of behavior

  the most remarkable thing is that I didn't learn to raise him from a doctor or a phsycologist I didn't read it in any book. this is how I was raised how mother was raised and how her mother was raised. taught manners and a code of honor(I know sounds hokey) like many do in asian cultures and how kids were raised a century ago. Respectfully productive because that is what your duty is as a part of society.

  It starts day one not when they are old enough to converse with. when your toddler throws a tantrum and you give in you set a presidence that it is expected of the child to scream or hold their breath or what ever to get what they want. The reason they throw a fit is because it works!!!! If they are denied when naughty they will be less likely to be naughty to get what they want. I am also against rewards for good behavior, all it does is instill a notion that if i do want they want I get what I want and most kids then make a leap to I won't be good unless I get something out of it which leads to selfish self serving indiviuals. They recieve because they have use for or need it not just cause I did what I was told.

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  Posted by Kandice Sun Mar 29, 2009 10:19am PDT

  I am kind of a middle of the road mother. I came from a very strict home and ended up rebelling as a teen, so I want to avoid that with my now three year old daughter. But I also know that to keep her safe from harm she HAS to listen to me. It's not always easy to do though because she is a very smart and VERY independent little girl!

  I think that the rules have to be constantly changed depending on the childs age and level of understanding. It is neccesary for very young children to be given lots of guidance and discipline to teach them right from wrong and give them an understanding of dangerous situations. But as the children age and get closer to the teen years they need to be given more responsibilities and allowed more freedom to make their own choices, whether they make the right choice or not. Such freedom helps them to feel trusted by the parent and valued as a person, helping them to create their own identity as an "Almost-Adult". It also becomes more important to be more like a friend in the teen years, because if they do make a mistake YOU should be the one they want to talk to about it, not some other teenager! But each child is different and rules should be made to apply to the child themself, not the situation. There is no black and white when it comes to discipline... it's not one size fits all. Judge each child by their personality and behavior, not just by what they have done, to find the most effective form of discipline.

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