The good parents call it "summer vacation!" The bad parents? We call it "purgatory," especially this year. Expensive childcare, camps and aimless driving just aren't options, what with the economy, gas prices, and the fact that you're declaring bankruptcy in a few months. Still, that doesn't mean we can't get a little low-cost me-time.
Here are six ways to get rid of the kids without getting arrested (oh, plus minimal clean-up and little financial investment).
1. Start at Ikea: Dress your littlest ones in their stackiest-soled shoes and head
to the nearest Ikea. If they meet the height requirement (stand tall, Sweetie!), you can ditch
them in the ball and play area while you spend your allotted two hours in
the restaurant. Sure, overdone salmon and cold-gravy meatballs get old
fast. But the coffee is decent (and cups are bottomless) and the Lingonberry Mousse is only 99 cents a slice. When
your time is up, head to the kids toy area and let them hurt
themselves on that freaking seesaw. Then take them for a spin in the
carts (you can do pretty good 360 in the self-serve aisles). Ikea is
air-conditioned and enormous. It can and will burn up an entire day (for almost free!). Cones are 99 cents on the way out.
2. Grandma!: Hey, forget about your family's carbon footprint for a minute
and spring for an airplane ticket for Grandma. Only Grandma doesn't want to
put a bullet through her head playing Candyland. Only she is willing to
push the park swing for a solid hour. Only she will do all that AND
insist on folding a basket of laundry, or taking everybody out to eat,
or better yet, bathing your kids every night for a week.
3. Mussolini-level enforcement of an afternoon quiet time: The post lunch
hour for the post-nap set is pure torture for any bad parent. This is
where you're going to have to strap on a pair (if you didn't come by
them naturally) and force a closed-door (in-crib/playard for the wee ones)
quiet time. No, they don't have to sleep. No, they can't talk to you
through the door. Yes, there will be Popsicles if they're good (oh,
come on! The kids need a win.)
4. Water, but not much: Sure, there's an argument to be made for
beaches and pools. But you have to be so damn ON for that. To achieve
the kids
+ water = me time equation, fill a
Rubbermaid 20-gallon tub (apartment dwellers, set it on the balcony or
just use the bath tub). Yes, you'll need to be close by with towels and
some water-safety common sense. But you can also have a
magazine, your phone, the laptop and high-calorie snacks.
6. Teen babysitters. Teens are having a hard time finding jobs this summer so let's, as future parents of teens, exploit them now. Talk them down in price or pay a flat rate -- whatever. They'll do it. They've got nothing else going on. Just don't do that thing where you stay and clean the house. Leave the house. Leave the kids. Pay the teen to come back some other day to scrub the kitchen floor.
Those are my six, but you know the routine -- send me yours. And quick! There are still, oh, I can't even count how many weeks are left of the summer!
Get in on the "summer vacay" vs. "purgatory" discussion over at Strollerderby
Photos: positivefanatics.com; mtcalvalryacton.org
