Life is a train of moods like a string of beads; and as we pass
through them they prove to be many colored lenses, which paint the
world their own hue, and each shows us only what lies in its own
focus.
Waking Up in the Midnight
Sun
The Lure of Smoking
Comes With the Dread of Life
Accounted for and in behalf
of the couple; Mr. & Mrs. Porter – as
narrated
By: Arvin Gumato Pareja
Tubercle Bacilli, two
worded organism that causes Lung Cancer - brings out the deepest
emotions in a person's soul to the surface. Just as the lava in
a volcano bubbles to the top, often exploding. This is how my
emotions felt outside the Xavier Hospital five years ago.
It was in the
month of October of 2004.
This is when I first dabbled with the
process of what would later become an addiction. An addiction to
the evil dragon of nicotine spreading the fog of death to
everything it touches. I guess I started for the same reasons most
teenagers do. I thought it was cool; it made me fit in, etc. My
parents were smokers all their lives so I imagine the words I heard
condoning the action was not as powerful as the visual.
Oh, by the way, did I
mention it was cool?
Over the next twenty plus
years, I gained a very un-natural friendship with cigarettes.
Sometimes we would not be very close, but most of the time my
dragon pals were there when I needed them.
In October of 2004, I was in the hospital for treatment of a lower back injury. The doctors were performing there usual barrage of tests and treatments. Some of which I am convinced are only used to increase the bottom line of corporate health care and the good graces of their peers. The day before the doctors ordered a chest x-ray for me. When my family doctor made his usual rounds, I could tell from his eyes something was bothering him. I just assumed he had been on call all night, or had something else on his mind this day. Most days we would not only discuss medicine and my treatment, but also maybe a current event that would interest us. This day though, the longest sentence he muttered was that "We need to get a CT scan." I assumed that it was for my back.
Several hours after that brief encounter, my wife was visiting me in this drab and plain hospital room. As we usually had done, she would wheel me outside for some "air" as I called it. On this late afternoon as we returned to upper levels of the hospital, my nurse spotted us coming off the elevator. She knew where we had been and gave me her usual un-approving look before telling us that CT was ready for me. With that, she plopped the bulky chart in my lap and downstairs we went again.
After the mind-numbing scan was performed, I told Penny that I wanted to go outside once again. She too gave me the same un-approving look that my nurse gave me only and hour or so earlier.
She had never smoked, never approved of my smoking, and only lovingly tolerated my doing so, as spouses often do.
As I sat in my wheelchair surrounded by a cool, crisp air that I was polluting, I decided to look over my chart. Being a former EMT-A I knew just enough medical information to be stupid. When I came upon the radiologist report for the chest x-ray, stupid was not the only feeling I had.
Suddenly the cigarette I had seconds ago enjoyed, tasted as if I was chewing a chunk of burnt wood. It was a sooty, nasty paste covering all surfaces of my mouth, throat, and chest. For a split second, I was lost in how bad the evil dragon tasted. Suddenly the bold, black letters on the stark white page seemed to jump at me, and in doing so punched me dead in the chest. Those words "Lung Cancer, need a CT to Confirm," covered my body, mind and soul like a fog of death.
So many images started racing through my mind at this point. Each almost competing with the other, as if they happened in my mind, then it would be real for me. Things such as growing old with my wife of 12 years, or standing on the sideline, on a cool fall night, watching my son play football for his high school. Walking my daughter down a long church isle on her special day and giving her hand to the man of her dreams. Just as quickly I realized that these images in my mind, so real I felt a part of, may only be dreams for me. If I was not already sitting, I am sure I would have collapsed by this point. Somehow, I was able to get the words out to tell Penny what I had just read. There was no way at this point I could explain what had just raced through my mind, but somehow I sensed similar thoughts charging through her mind. The pain in her eyes gave this away all too well. As I spoke the words, I had any eerie feeling that can only be described as a sense I was speaking of someone else. Unfortunately, her eyes told me differently.
After a good cry, we composed ourselves to
go back to my hospital room. We spent that night talking, laughing
and yes, crying. We tried through spoken and un-spoken word to live
out and describe a future that we may not have together. At the
same time, never letting go of the fact that we would fight this
with all we had. Whatever or however we could. The only option that
was not viable this night was sleep, as one can imagine.
As the morning sun filled the sterile hospital room, we knew that
our doctor would soon be in to give us a verdict. He too was an
early riser like me, so I knew we would not have to labor with
questions long into the day. As the news finally came, the emotions
were just as strong as the dark night before, only this time filled
with hope and possibilities for a future. I hope a very long
future.
In the end, what the radiologist thought was lung cancer,
turned out to be scar tissue from a pneumonia years earlier.
Together, my wife, doctor, and I mapped out a plan for my battle
against the evil dragon. This plan, as it turned out, was the use
of the "patch" for just under a month. Since that night I
have been smoke free, has it been easy? No. Am I glad? Very! Each
day is a new day with my family and I realize just how lucky I am
to have that support. Will this ultimately have a happy conclusion?
That is out of my control. However, today will have a happy
conclusion, and each day, that is something I can
control.
Oh, by the way, I am STILL COOL
