Healthy Living

From the Community…

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  Posted by Jackie D Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:50am PDT

  Wow, this rings so true to me. Well, in fact, it rings true about a family member. My uncle's second wife is a control-freak. I don't mean to spout pseudo-pyscho-babble here, but it is true. She seems to feel the need to control everything and everyone around her. This is especially true when it comes to eating and weight. She was a pro basketball player for a short time after college (and incidentally, is now a pyschologist... of all things) and for as long as I've known her she has been obsessed with the food she eats, how much she excersises, and her weight -- as well as everyone else's. I remember a specific episode where we were at a large family gathering at which people saw that my younger sister had recently lost a good deal of weight and my aunt announced to my mother, in a loud voice audible to everyone, "Oh my gosh, how did you get her to lose so much weight!?: as though my mother were the one behind it. The truth of the matter was that my sister had made the decision for herself and was mortified by the entire thing. This wouldn't be so bad except that my aunt has two natural daughters and a step daughter (my uncle's daughter from his previous marriage). The step-daughter is a bit overweight and being a rebellious teenager, she seems to use her weight as a sort of "screw-you" to her step-mother. My aunt has demonized her to the other children, not just for her weight etc. but essentially telling her daughters that their step-sister is "evil." And she completely controls what her natural daughters eat. They are quite thin, and not a natural, running-around-outside-all-day sort of thin. Watching them eat at family affairs is frightening. They are constantly trying to get food out of people when their mother isn't looking. They will literally hang over everyone else's plate, begging like dogs. What food they are given, they cut up into little tiny bits to make last longer. The worst part is that these girls are only 9 and 7. Meanwhile their mother eats much more normally now than she used to. She'll sit there and eat a huge piece of cake right in front of them. And while she isn't starving them, I shudder to think what kind of relationship they will have with food when they grow up...

  I've told this story in order to make the following point: I'm sorry... but to suggest that the mother may not be to blame if these girls develop eating disorders would be absurd. I agree that many times eating disorders can arise from very loving, balanced environments, and that's a shame. However, while the sort of environment set up by parents with eating disorders may not be the only factor contributing to disordered eating in children, growing up in that sort of environment MUST make it much more likely that the children will inherit similar problems.

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  Posted by Jo Fri Jul 18, 2008 7:43am PDT

  Mothers definately have a huge impact on their daughter's body image and eating habbits. But they can also develp them on their own. And can you blame them when everywhere you look in hollywood are these too-skiny role models that also have ED? Look, even on this page to the right are 2 articles on "Sleep your way SLim" and "Transform your Body Faster". America is obsessed with dieting and its having an effect on young girls who think they're not good enough.

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  Posted by j bess Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:19am PDT

  A mother's eating habits and lack of self-respect because of being overweight can also unintentionally translate to her children. My mother was always thin before she had me (her only child), and ever since, her weight has slowly increased, and she has slowly lost self-respect because of her high weight. When I was younger, I would frequently find my mom "sneaking" food - I could care less if she ate 24/7 - I love her for who she is, but for some reason, she felt the need to hide her eating and not eat in front of others (which ultimately made her eat even more when she decided to binge). I didn't realize it until recently that I have unintentionally made myself into what I thought of as the opposite of my mother - I struggled with anorexia and bulimia in my early teens, and I still try to watch my weight now. I firmly believe that these habits were developed out of seeing my mother's frustration with being overweight. Granted, I still inherited the curse of low self esteem about my body, but my eating habits are a bit different. Just food for thought.

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  Posted by luvbug Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:23am PDT

  I almost died from an eatting disorder 13 years ago. My husband watches every pound I put on and I am now in the middle of it again. I am 5'8 and a size two. I eat once a day and never more then 2 grams of fat a day.I work out six days a week. I have a 10 year old girl and I never talk weight in front of her. I never want her to to go though this- to get her self worth from someone who only thinks she is worthy if she is thin- I talk to her about good health all the time and pray she grows up strong

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  Posted by EarthMamaCat Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:19am PDT

  I am currently on a fast trying to reorder my eating which has gotten out of control...again. This is a time of searching out for me, for feeling the feelings I have been covering with eating, a reconnecting with my spiritual path. It is not a deprivation or a trial or a diet. And there's the lie. I can't wait to get to a scale to see how much weight I've lost. Ugh. I am a mother of a 16 year old girl who rebels by saying there is no food in the house when the pantry and refrigerator is full, who can't tell what kind of food she likes when asked and who, secretly, feels that my preparing food for her is one way I love her. She is gorgeous, 5'6" and maybe 120 lbs. (all that I ever wished I could be at her age and even now!) and dresses like a boy. I fear I have done her a great disservice by flip-flopping about how I feel about my body...one moment loving the goddess-size voluptuousness of it and the next cursing it for not fitting into clothes comfortably. I am blessed to have men in my life who appreciate me for my Self and my body and reassure me of it often and cursed with yearning to "fit" into society better (or even the seats at college in the lecture hall! Ha!) Thanks for the wonderful article and space to rave.

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  Posted by Sara Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:24am PDT

  Wow, reading this invokes a whole lot of thought, as well as crap from my childhood. I had an eating disorder which started at age 10 (yes, 10!!!) and looking back, I can certainly say that my mother's behavior and attitudes regarding weight and body image had a huge effect. It was from her that I learned how to count calories (she was on Weight Watchers - it was the 80's - and let me drink her weight loss shakes and eat her WW food sometimes). Bad idea. I got obsessed with the whole thing and somehow inferred that I also needed to lose weight. Long story short, I was admitted to the hospital for over a month. But body image has continued to be a huge struggle all throughout my life. It has affected my marriage and sex life at times and my overall confidence in myself and who God made me to be. It's a shame that our culture reinforces the idea of perfectionism - what is that??? Everyone is different, we should embrace that. I am much better these days (though body image issues still creep up now and then, but I am better able to deal). I am actually studying to be a therapist. Who knows, one day I may work with mothers and daughters on these issues. I would encourage anyone who is seriously struggling to get help - therapy is not a cure-all, but it can certainly help a person reject those negative thoughts and images and move toward healing! THERE IS HOPE!!

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  Posted by clueless76 Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:34pm PDT

  Unfortunately it is not only our mothers that can have an influence on how we perceive ourselves. I have struggled for years with low self-esteem and eating disorders because of my sisters. I was always the "chubby" one, while they were the perfect, beautiful ones. The sad part is, I'm not what anyone (well at least most people) would consider fat. I'm 5'7' and 139lbs. I'm very curvy though. I have struggled with this since I was in my early teens. I push myself each day when I work out, I will eat something I want and then feel so guilty I can hardly look at myself in the mirror.

  Wouldn't it be nice if we could develop into healthy adults based on our own sense of self-worth and not what the rest of the world (and our families) place in our lives?? What scares me the most now…passing this on to my own children.

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  Posted by Annette Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:32pm PDT

  Hearing how I was going to be the "heavy" one my entire life, even as an underfed child, has created an unhealthy eating pattern. I am overweight, but can't stop eating. I don't think it is just the obsessions with food though. My mother's obsession with my weight was a result of HER mother and their shared untreated bipolar disorder. My sisters, inheriting the same attitude, always gauged the level of fat against me. If I was heavier all was well. I will never forget the tone when each, on separate occasions, said, "Oh, I guess I am the same size as you." The devastation of being like me echoed.

  As a child, the dysfunctional family patterns intensified and I also assumed the role of scapegoat. Until I really, truly thought about how I picked "friends" who were just as nasty as my mother. It has taken decades for me to escape--and only by cutting myself out of the family with the exception of limited contact with my now medicated mother. Sill overweight, I try to stay active. Understanding my role and choices I make has helped me seek more positive relationships.

  My parenting has been affected in ways to explain things to my children. I am not perfect, but I try. I would rather pass a legacy of understanding than judgment. Knowing the pain my weight has caused, my daughter, I think in a healthy way, makes healthier eating choices--smaller pieces of cake, eating slower so as not to shovel and eating white meat and vegetables rather than fried dark meat.

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  Posted by Momma2BnT Fri Jul 18, 2008 4:42pm PDT

  Talking about a child's weight, appearance and eating habits are not the only ways mothers (and fathers) can "give" their children eating disorders. My son is adopted and spent the first few years of his life in foster care. Instead of physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and general attention, my son was fed, around the clock. When he cried, he ate; when he laughed, he ate; when he needed attention, he ate. I was even told to gain his affection by giving him candy! I admit that I was leery, but I had no real idea of the long term affect his first years of feeding would have on his life - he has been here for over 3 and a half years now, with regular feeding (no deprivation but controlled amounts of food, as he will eat until vomitting if allowed). I believe he will have a life-long battle with food - a love/hate relationship that began with an unhealthy start. As parents - we should NEVER use food as a reward, bribe, punishment, bandaid, or for any other reason but sustinance. In my house, WE EAT TO LIVE, NOT LIVE TO EAT! Children need all foods in moderation - fruits, veggies, proteins AND treats - and a positive example of a healthy relationship with food to emulate.

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  Posted by kaye Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:55pm PDT

  I have to say, from personal experience, mothers hold a great amount of influence in their child's life even if they do not have an eating disorder. In my case, I'm an only daughter with 3 brothers who always felt out of place because my brothers were lean and in my eyes, my mother favored them because of that. Even though I was at a healthy weight, I always felt like I needed to be skinny and lean like my brothers so my mother would accept me. But becoming skinny proved difficult when I moved in with my mother at the age of 13 and I began emotional binges. I did gain weight, but I stayed in the healthy range.

  What made it even worse was that, as I was gaining weight, my brothers were losing more weight and becoming leaner. My mom would even comment on this making me feel worse. (for back story, I moved in with my mom to get away from my stepmother who said that my brothers and I would become fat because apparently my mom knew nothing of nutrition, which was completely wrong.) One night at a restaurant in a conversation my mother said, "... and she (my stepmom) said I'd make you guys overweight and unhealthy. Look at your brother, he's lost weight!" which she said with much enthusiasm. And the next moment would replay in my head over and over for the years to come. I remember exactly how she said it, how she made just the slightest pause that hurt me so deeply inside. "And you...you're okay." She didn't indicate any enthusiasm that I was at a healthy weight. She should have just said, "You haven't lost any weight, in fact I think you've gained some. You might want to put down that fork now."

  So by the time I was 16, I developed an eating disorder, which was a mixture of anorexia, bulimia, and binging. It's horrifying what goes through your mind when you have an eating disorder like I did. In my head it felt like every single inch of me was holding me back from my mother accepting me. Every extra pound on me was sin. I'd force myself to fast and only drink water for weeks, and when I wasn't fasting, I'd do these insane diets where you only ate 200 calories a day. Eventually it got to the point where if I even ate one tiny calorie, I thought I was a pig and disgusting. And I did know of all the things that could go wrong when you starve yourself, but I thought, "That'll never happen to me. Only other people, not me."

  So to make my point clear, mothers should be careful about the smallest things they say to their daughter that could be remotely negative about them. You have to remember your own teenage years and how the smallest of comments could turn your world upside down. It's the same for your daughters. And it hurts even more when that small comment comes from her closest family member, her mother.

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