User Post: Are Your Friends Making You Sick?

I want you to think about your funniest and most uplifting friend. You know, the friend that is guaranteed to make you laugh so hard your tummy hurts and is always sure to make you feel great about yourself? Doesn't it feel great to be in the presence of someone who is so uplifting? Now think about an acquaintance who is negative, draining, and depressing. Doesn't it feel better to be in the presence of someone who is positive? The effects of the people around us can actually last much longer than just the time we spend with them.

Continuously being around stable, happy people can help our lives and success tremendously, while being around downers can have the opposite effect.   It can be hard to deal with toxic people, but it is in your own best interest to deal with the relationship accordingly.  

How to tell if a relationship is toxic:  

Be conscious. Start asking yourself how you feel after being in the presence of that person. Do you feel better, worse, or the same as before?  

Take note. Listen to the words they say and how they say them. Are they usually complaining, nagging, or gossipping? As Eleanor Roosevelt said, small minds talk about people, average minds talk about events, and great minds discuss ideas.  

Do they bring you down? Ask yourself if the person lifts you up or brings you down. For example, if you are trying to eat healthy, exercise more, and/or stop smoking, a good friend should be supportive and help you succeed. A toxic friend may try to talk you into eating more, skipping workouts, and smoking just to bring you down.  

What to do when you have diagnosed the relationship as toxic:  

Evaluate the relationship. We all have to deal with people we don't like sometimes. Co-workers are good examples because the relationship is often out of our control. If you have to interact with a toxic person, keep them at arm's length. Let the relationship be only professional, don't be rude, but only interact when needed.  

Distance yourself. If you determine a good friend is toxic (this happens a lot when we go through personal development), but you don't want to cut them off completely, simply distance yourself from them. Only go out in a group of people so the toxic friend won't have your complete attention. You can also call them only during your lunch break when you have to hang up within a few minutes. This gives you a great excuse to get off, plus you will get right back to work, so whatever they say isn't likely to stay on your mind for very long. This is a much better solution than talking in the evening before you go to bed.  

Set boundaries. It is your responsibility to look after yourself. If you don't, know one else will. Part of this responsibility means not letting others take advantage. When you are in the presence of someone toxic, simply state your boundaries. One example might be, "Sara, I know that this situation upsets you because you bring it up a lot, and while I want to be a good friend, I don't know how else to help you. If you need to talk about this again you should see a therapist, I know of a great one who helped my other friend." OR "Ben, it's great that you can eat anything you like and stay thin, but I am not the same way. I am trying really hard to eat right, not only for my weight, but my health in general. I respect your decision to eat how you choose, and would never push health foods on you, so I expect you to do the same. If you continue to try and get me to come off my diet, I simply will not be able to have lunch with you anymore."  

Soul Search Ask yourself why it is important to have this person in your life. Are they a good friend in other ways? If not, why is it important to keep them around? Often times we stay closely connected to people who seriously weigh us down just because we have an idea in our heads of how certain relationships should be (a childhood friend, a mother and daughter, etc.). Realistically, though, an ideal relationship with that person just may not be possible.  

When all else fails... Sometimes no matter what we do or how respectfully we try and set boundaries, it is just hopeless. Some people simply aren't in a place to treat other people well. When this happens, you may need to make the tough decision to cut them out of your life. "You are either the wind in my sail or the weight of my anchor...and I cut anchor!"  

Oh, and from now on make sure every friend you let into your life lifts you up, up, up, okay?!

www.yougrowgirl.net