Why can't we
change who we are. Why can't we change what we have
become. Looking at my family, it's easy to say were not
normal. Or are we?
I have
relatives. I am an uncle. I am a brother. I am a
son. I am NOT really any of these though. I can't
understand it either. By birth I am but by actions I am
not.
I see my mom once
every year now, but I went many years without seeing her at
all. Funny thing is, there's no denying that she's my
mom. We are so much alike it's spooky. Looks are a
given. Of course I look a little like her. What's
surprising is the fact that I act much like her and like what she
likes. So much for that nature-VS-nurture thing.
I have uncles that
I haven't seen in over 10 years, I have nephews that I have not
seen in a few years. I have neices that can run and talk and
draw great pictures that I have never even met. My dad. I see
him every few years.
What I don't
understand is why I cannot seem to change who I have become.
I am just like my dad in a few ways. I grew up not
understanding at all why dad is such a loaner. He's
a hermit that didn't like to keep friends close. He gets
upset with somebody and cuts them off. That's how
it's always been with dad. Now, Im 32 next week and I
can't help but realize how much like my dad I really
am. When I think about the very very faint memory of my
grandpa, he's the same way. It's like it's my
blood to be a loaner. I don't like it and yet I cannot
seem to change it.
Can a man
change the color of his skin? Can a man change the color of his
eyes? Can a man change at all? I am starting to
wonder.
For
the past 13 years I have been away from home. I feel like I
no longer even know what a home feels like. It's like I
have a life but I don't live.
So I
have been trying really hard to get out of this shell or this hole
of a life I am living, but I cannot seem to change. It's
really odd. Kinda like I know Im bleeding to death and
perfectly able to plug the wound, but I choose not to.
What's with that? My ex-wife had an awesome family that I
kinda lived through. They really are great people. I
have people who really care about me and even the Ex's family
still has a lot of love for me. What's crazy is I turn
all their love down? It's like I purposly keep myself at
a distance and I cannot figure out why. Any ideas?
You might be asking me, "well since I don't like the life
I live, why don't I change"? That's a good
question and Im sure that if I knew how to change I
would. That's the trouble. I can't seem
to figure it out. The title of this blog you might ask?
Turns out time is a precious and valuable thing. It's
something I am running out of and quicker than anybody
imagined. People that I love are leaving this world, and
it's nice to know were all attempting to be Christians, but it
still doen't take the pain of being left behind. I got an
email from a friend about her Grandma dying and how they hadn't
talked in awhile because of different view points. Made me
think.
I have missed 3 deaths of grandparents, 2 of my sisters weddings, 5
births of neices and nephews. I haven't seen or talked to
most if all my uncles and aunts in many many years. I would
not recognize them if I saw them. Cousins? I don't
even know if I have any. My family has never had a family
reunion that I know of. Maybe one when I was very very young.
I don't know. I have never made a birthday of any
family member since I joined the Army, and I myself haven't had
a birthday in so long, I have forgotten what it was like.
So can you see how
I'm alive, but dead at the same time? Family is all we
have and it's not our choice when that time is over. So
love them even when that hurts because when my family is dead all I
have left is the regret that I didn't change my life for them
and be all I could be as a uncle, a brother, or a son.
Here today, Regret tomorrow
user
- Let’s talk: Comment (15) | Blog
- Email to a Friend
- Print this Page
Syndication:
From the Community…
-
Posted by Sun Nov 9, 2008 7:00am PST
Report AbuseFamily and friends
life would be like desert without them..
B-)
-
Posted by Sun Nov 9, 2008 8:15am PST
Report Abuserunvws,
You write a pretty intense post!
Liked reading truley.
Ya got us all here so keep in touch!
dolphin
-
Posted by Sun Nov 9, 2008 9:46am PST
Report AbuseThanks Dolphin, but according to my own blog, I cannot accept the offer of affection....two reasons...One is a previous blog about pride....the other is I can't figure out how to change...
-
Posted by Sun Nov 9, 2008 2:28pm PST
Report AbuseWell-your family is much like mine....I have a mom, dad, sister and thats about it. all the rest are scattered about and I could tell you nothing about them...It's sad, but that's how it's always been. Never a reunion, not even a visit. The four of us are close...we are the family. Now I have children so it is extending...and everyone is close with them. You probably cannot change the family thing too much, but maybe you should reach out more to the most immediatte because life is so short. I also think you should let more people in. You say you are a loner...but you seem to enjoy the conversations you have here...maybe it's more of a fear of getting too close or personal...maybe afraid of losing...just a thought. I wish you a beautiful day!! Blondie
-
Posted by Mon Nov 10, 2008 1:20am PST
Report AbuseAll my family is back east, everyone is gone except my sister. I wrote her 4-5 typing paper size letter, telling her how much i have missed her and hoping we can get closer. She sent me a 3x5 piece of paper saying, "We'll see." And I thought, why do i bother? That has been several years ago and although the hurt is just under the surface, I seldom ever think about it.
Changing, you got to bend down and pull yourself up by your boot straps. And H___ NO, it is not going to be easy. And if the people you want to reach out to turn you down, then you have another decision to make.
As many people as you spoke of, there must be some loving folks there. I start with a sibbling, send a funny card and say something like, I got to thinking about you clear out of the blue and just wanted to drop you a line. By the way here's my phone number, what's yours. How are the babies? Hey, by the way thought I'd do alittle traveling up toward your way, mind if I stop by for a day or two? Just be real laid back and casual, let them know you still think about them and would like to see them. And when you get there, go grocery shopping and buy a nice piece of meat the whole family can enjoy. A roast, a ham-ah a smoked county ham, i think i'd kill for one. The reason for this is prices have gone up, and by being considerate they will notice. May not say anything, but they will notice.
Change comes from within, and you have to make the effort son. Keep us posted as we are eager for your happiness. Sincerely...
-
Posted by Mon Nov 10, 2008 1:32am PST
Report AbuseChanged comes from within, and you got to bend down, reach your boot straps and pull yourself up. And NO, HELL NO it is not going to be easy.
But I bet it will be worth the try.
It sounds like you got some loving folks out there. I would start with a funny, light-hearted card then say something like: you know I was sitting here the other night and out of the clear blue sky I started thinking about you. How you been? How are the children? What are you doing these days? What do you think of our new president? I sure hope he gets us out of the mess Bush got us into...keep it casual and easy and remember kiss-keep it simple stupid. now that is not an insult so don't take that way. Anyone who can write the way you do is by no means a dumby.
Keep us posted as I think we are all excited to hear from you again...
-
Posted by Mon Nov 10, 2008 1:26pm PST
Report AbuseI kind of know what you mean. Most of my life I feel like I can stand in a crowded room full of people but feel so alone. I have a huge family I see all the time and I still feel like an outcast. In my extended family there is a pecking order and my brothers and sisters and I are the black sheep of the family.I have no idea why. I've been a loner too but I have come to accept myself as I am, and maybe I do that because I have trust issues and if I work on those maybe I could open up more. IDK.
-
Posted by Mon Nov 10, 2008 3:50pm PST
Report AbuseOh ok, i did not know you were in the army. First of all i am so proud of what you are doing.
This is a powerful post.
I hope that all is well with you...
Straight:)
-
Posted by Tue Nov 11, 2008 12:46am PST
Report Abuserunvws,as always thanks for the blog ypu sent me **** why so alone when you have soo much interestings things to talk about.i enjoy reading your blogs thoroughly.seems to me your being a little selfish with yourself,its not always about you...im sure many people would be cpmpletly content with more of your time.why have soo much to say to meaningless strangers ,yet only see the woman who gave birth to you once a year.i personally have alot of family i only see once a year,i dont regret that because i know there only judging me because money has become there only concern,& im the outcast of the family that indulges in life & bad habits,there all drunks & take personal satisfaction in insulting one another so i disantce myself.maybe your afraid of opening up to love because you know the hurt of being let down & you'd rather steer clear of it & live in your own existence peacefully.i was a bad hermit a couple of years ago,i never went out & never answered my phone.i didnt really care about getting to know anyone because they were all gonna turn out the same.but i realized im not the same,& i refused to be bitter from somone elses uncertainties.you have to live life to the fullest,i didnt want to be dust in the wind ,i want to leave behind my legacy...rather good or bad i have lived & i have experienced life & i will continue to appreciate every breath i take til the last.its not easy but i believe people heal each other through words & touch.your definitley in need of a hug rather u want to or not.in fact call your mom today & tell her you love her,sharing human emotions does not make you a weaker species,it makes you stronger by knowing & understanding them & then ypu learn to control them so hurt doesnt have to be the emotion after love **** talk to you soon :)
-
Posted by Wed Nov 12, 2008 9:45am PST
Report AbuseYEAH I HJAVE DONE THAT PLENTY OF TIMES SO I'M ON DO YOU WANT TO CHAT OR WHAT?
leave your comment
You must sign in to post a comment