Healthy Living

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Help a Reader Out: How do you handle political conversations with your family when you don't agree?

[Ed note --The election may be over but the conversations keep on going. Help this Shine reader find ways to talk politics with her relatives before a family feud erupts.]

Most of my family leans one way politically, and I lean another. I love them but sometimes it makes conversation difficult; even topics that aren't explicitly political easily turn into huge debates as soon as I express an opinion that differs from theirs.

My mom in particular has a habit of making inflammatory statements and then refusing to hear what I have to say about it. She says that it's too late at night and she's too tired to keep up, or that we're in public and shouldn't discuss it, or whatever. Basically, she can say what she wants but whatever I have to say is going too far.

I know that the best thing for me to do is to keep my mouth shut and not comment on her statements, but there is a part of me that hopes that I might be able to change her mind on an important topic if only I can present a sufficiently persuasive argument. It doesn't help - ever - and I just go away feeling hurt, angry, and unimportant.

I don't know what I can do to make myself feel better or to deal better with this conversation. I am so tired of this, but it's to the point that I feel like I'm not even allowed to be myself with my own family.

Do you have any advice or suggestions on how I can help myself when this happens? How on earth do I avoid these horrible episodes without losing my sense of self?

[photo credit: Getty Images]

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From the Community…

Comments 1-8 of 8
  • Alex's Avatar
    Posted by Alex Thu Nov 6, 2008 8:32am PST

    I have the same situation with my family. I have also not been living near them for 10 years now so in a way I've been put in a time vacuum where they think I'm still 18. I used to argue with them when I was younger and more passionate, if you will, but I learned that it's just not worth it. I don't see them that often so I just let it go. Besides, you know you are right!

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  • Patricia's Avatar
    Posted by Patricia Thu Nov 6, 2008 8:58am PST

    The value of democracy and the freedom that comes with it is this: we are all privileged to have our opinion whether or not it happens to be the same as the rest of the family. I have a brother that is totally the opposite of the way I think and feel. Whenever he becomes irritating or irrational, I simply smile at him and promptly change the subject. I refuse to be pulled into that kind of trap. Too many hurt feelings. You are entitled to your opinion and your mother is entitled to hers. Enough said.

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  • LeeBee's Avatar
    Posted by LeeBee Thu Nov 6, 2008 9:21am PST

    After much therapy, here's what I've learned:

    1) You can't change people, only your reaction to them. If you haven't managed to change their minds (or they change yours with their arguments) why would everything magically change now?

    2) Anger and fights only build when they are fueled. If you let the subject drop from the start instead of fueling the discussion, everyone's blood pressure will remain low and possibly result in less tension.

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  • RosieB's Avatar
    Posted by RosieB Thu Nov 6, 2008 10:17am PST

    Just smile knowingly and hold your tongue. That drives them crazy.

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  • GG1000's Avatar
    Posted by GG1000 Thu Nov 6, 2008 2:29pm PST

    "Really? You know I'm afraid I don't agree." Finito. Then do your Cheshire Cat routine and change the subject.

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  • Mysterious Gryphon's Avatar
    Posted by Mysterious Gryphon Thu Nov 6, 2008 2:35pm PST

    Yes, but how? How do you stop yourself when things just jump out of your mouth? HOW?

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  • anthony's Avatar
    Posted by anthony Thu Nov 6, 2008 3:25pm PST

    you have to make sure you are polite during the random parts you do get to talk and to make sure to keep an even tone when talking so that way when they dont it will make it seem like they are blowing up irrationally instead of you.....essentially you must act more adult than they do (not that you dont already, but it just really gets you that extra few moments where they have to listen based on reason). if they start to rant wait patiently trying to listen as much as possible not responding and then when they seem finished ask them if they are completely done and if you could say what you have to say without interruption. if they agree reinforce the fact that this is your time to speak with them listening like you patiently did for them and then procede to rant just as they did (making sure to be very even toned) and at the least they will hear a good half of what you want to say if not all of it! i have the exact same thing with my crazy family and me all by my lonesome lol

    good luck

    ~tony~

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  • Sin's Avatar
    Posted by Sin Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:06am PST

    I think the way to win a person over is by poking small holes...YOU can never change a person, but you can get THEM to think.

    You said "...but there is a part of me that hopes that I might be able to change her mind on an important topic if only I can present a sufficiently persuasive argument."

    If you are talking about a topic that the person has made up their mind to believe, then no argument will do because they will always want to defend it. Instead, when it comes up, ask questions that you know will not have solid answers, but don't reply to their answers with, "see" or "I told you so." Imply that you are trying to understand like they do, but mention what it is that makes you unable. Like I said, I think the key is to poke small holes in their logic or belief. When enough of these holes are made, they'll question within themselves. It's easier for a person to say that they have "changed their minds" or "have come to understand" than it is to say "you're right and I'm wrong." Also, when you are interacting, avoid positioning yourself as "right" or "certain." Make it seem like you are on the fence or at least make it seem like you are swayable. That usually gets them out of defense mode and into logic mode...I hope that made sense...

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Comments 1-8 of 8

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